I quietly turned the key to let myself into the house. I was sure I could make it to the upstairs bedroom undetected. Wilson met me as I tiptoed into the living room. Thank God he is not a meower. He just opens his mouth and smacks at me. He is hungry. I whispered to him, "In a minute". This did not seem to abate his restlessness. I trod lightly up the staircase, holding my breath, I am almost there. Alas, I make it to the final step and slowly release my breath, and quietly wipe the perspiration from my brow. I have done it!!!!!
"Whatcha got there?"
I was so startled that it felt like my whole body had been put into an electric socket. I nearly soiled myself.
I was caught.... but how?
"How did you know I was home? I was so quiet."
"Yeah...well...I didn't hear a thing, but the minute you opened the door Wilson was down the stairs like you were a fresh can of tuna and when you got to the top of the stairs I could smell you. You stunk like a galley slave."
Wilson outed me for food. The little weasel!!!!
"Sooooo....What's in the bag?"
"My next blog," was my meek reply.
Yeah....I have this thing about Perry Ellis.
It all started about a year ago at Stein Mart. I decided I wasn't going to follow her all over the store. I ventured over to the men's department. There was a whole rack of Perry Ellis fashionable undergarments on sale.
Ok! Let's call a spade a spade. They were boxer briefs. Since I have been very indecisive about whether I should wear boxers or jockey shorts, I decided to compromise.
This has been my best fashion decision since I threw away my sombrero and my thong.
I really like these shorts. I like Perry Ellis stuff. I like them so much that I have purchased 11 pairs. Incidentally, Why do they call 1 "a pair"?
Well anyway....I had the urge to buy more. I am becoming a Perry Ellis hoarder.
I also buy the Perry Ellis Reserve aftershave. I can't seem to help myself.
Lately I've had the urge to walk on the street in my Perry Ellis underwear. My wife seems to think this is a bad idea.
I just want to make my fashion statement.
"What is your logic? Why do you think it is a bad idea? There are people walking on the beach right this minute who look like they are wearing their undergarments. It's not like I am wearing a thong. I threw that away after the police picked me up...remember?"
I think I outfoxed her. I can see the exasperation on her face. Then she brightened and said, "Spandex!!!!, that's the difference. You have to have a certain percent of spandex before it could be considered beachwear. If it has too much cotton it is considered an undergarment and you can be arrested!!!"
"Hah, so those gay guys wearing their tiny spandex speedos are legal on the beach but if I wear my Perry Ellis cotton boxer briefs with Spongebob Happy Pants emblems, I could do serious prison time?"
"Now you are starting to grasp the situation, Bucko!!!" was my wife's reply.
I think I will go upstairs and count my Perry Ellis stuff.
I think I will write to Perry and see if he has spandex boxer briefs.
I think I will fondle....I mean examine the smooth texture of my Perry Ellis goodies.
I will toss all my Haines stuff.
Life has weird rules.