The unmaking of the bed.

Stealth

I creep towards the stairs.   I lift my head and look towards the living room window.  Our cat Madison hasn't noticed me.  She is under the window.  Her tail is wagging with vigour as little clucking sounds emanate from her mouth.  The bird feeder must be very busy today.

I would love to toss that Mourning Dove to the ground.

I slowly get to my feet and quietly tiptoe up the carpeted stairs. As I reach the landing, one of the stairs makes a creaking sound.  I stop.  Beads of sweat appear on my forehead.  I do not move for two minutes.  Whew! That was close.  I continue my ascent till I reach step # 14. The top stair.  I did it.  I have never made it this far unnoticed.  I am giddy with success.

Wow! I could have been a CIA agent, an assassin, a burglar.  

A cat burglar, but who steals cats anymore?  I am good at this.  I could teach classes.  You just have to move slowly and not fall down too much.  The moving slowly part is easy for senior citizens.  The falling down thing, not so much.

Speed

Anyway….I continue to move slowly towards the bed which is only ten feet away.  I glance back as I reach the corner of the bed.  I move to the top of the bed and pull the sheets tight to get out any wrinkles. I must move quickly. I do both pillows. Perspiration drips down my nose and onto my wife's pillow case.  

Damn!  Oh well, the damage is done.  I take off the pillow case and wipe my brow.  I pull the blanket to the top of the bed.  I look back over my shoulder at the staircase.  This is where I see her lurking three stairs from the top.  Watching me.  Ready. 

She isn't there.  I exhale. I am drenched.

I quietly remove my t-shirt and wipe my clammy upper body with it.  I continue to straighten the bed. I move toward the comforter.  Her favorite part of the bed.  I look back at the stairs.  She really is hiding well, this time. 

Whew! It is really warm in here.  I think I will take off some of these clothes.  I remove my sweatpants. Oh..what to heck,  I will remove my smiley face boxer  briefs.  I will be doing laundry later.

I slowly put the comforter on the bottom of the bed. I start to unfold it.  I scan the room.  I look back at the staircase.  This is where she fly onto the bed like Superman.  She doesn't walk to the bed, she doesn't run to the bed.  She soars in from some mysterious place and lands on some critical fold of the comforter,  making it impossible to continue without some sort of feline/human combat.

I continue to pull the comforter to the top of the bed. Done.  The pillows next.  Done.  I exhale and then     I scream, "YES!!!!!….YES!!!!!"  My right arm is pumping furiously.

Location, location, location.

Epilogue

As it turns out,  my wife was entertaining our new friend, Janie.  I should say a former new friend.  When they heard me screaming, they ran up the stairs and were greeted by a sweaty, wild eyed naked man pumping his arm wildly.

Janie ran down the stairs and exited the house through the front door, and I mean THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.  She didn't  even bother to open the door.  She went through the screen hollering, "He's crazy! He's crazy."  This would not be so alarming except for the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse.

This whole incident upset Madison so much that she vomited into the heat register in front of the living room window.

I realized later that I really enjoy her "helping" me make the bed and I would miss it if she didn't do it.  I went upstairs and messed up the bed, and called her.  She lurked on the third stair from the top.

All is well.  I missed this more than she did.

The Victim's Club

Victim 1

What have you women done?  This poor guy is going to have to sign up for unemployment or worse yet, welfare.  A life ruined.  His good name besmirched.

Victim 2

Hey! What about me?  I was besmirched also.  When I coached, I liked good clean play.  That is why I showered with my players…..and their children.  Cleanliness.   Well, at least I still get to shower with the guys.

Victim 3

Sure, sure!!!  I forgot where I put my kid for a month and everybody gets their panties in a big wedgie.
I told them I left her at Shelema Gomez's condo or was it Demi Gonzales' house.  Whatever!!!!!! At least some of the people think my Dad is a douchebag.  It took some of the pressure off me.

I probably won't get my job back at Universal.  I think I will apply for the job of Snow White at Disney World.  I do have great acting and storytelling skills on my resume.

victim 4

Yo! Casey!!!!…..Yo!…. Hey, I have experience finding bad people.  I can help you.  I will help you find Shaina Lopez.  Are there any par 72 golf courses where you live?
I sent you this picture of me trying on golf work gloves.  These seemed a tad loose so I soaked them for a while.
I am working out a sports memorabilia problem and as soon as it is solved, I will, of course,  link up with you.

I may rent a car.  Do they still make the VW Golf?
Now….if you will excuse me, I have to go wash my balls.

Reading list 2014

My reading list

I have read some books this year.   I was reading when I should have been writing.

• Private with James Patterson.  This one was free on my iPad.  I have mixed feelings about James   Patterson.  sometimes good, sometimes not so much.  This was not his best.
• Wild- Cheryl Stayed.  Good book but I dislike anyone who burns books for any reason, Cheryl.
• Paris Match- Stuart Woods.  Always a fun read.
• Cut and Thrust-Stuart Woods.  See above
• Carnal Curiosity-Stuart Woods.  another easy read.
• Stand up guy-Stuart Woods-ditto
• Doing hard time-Stuart Woods.  Stuart's books are like a soap opera.  I have read 50 of his books.
• Field of Prey-John Sandford.  I like the way he writes.  Some of his characters end up in bad places. (stump shredder?) Gritty style but he knows how to keep you interested.  I have read 38 of his books but only two this year.
• Deadline- John Sandford. another good one, John.
• Unbroken-Laura Hillenbrand.  good memoir about a war hero.
• Imperfect justice-Jeff Ashton. Casey Anthony walks, Jeff!!!
• Death of Santini- Pat Conroy. Pat writes about depressing stuff with great style.
• The Losing Season-Pat Conroy.  See above.
• One summer (1927)-Bill Bryson.  A great book.
• The power of Habit-Charles Duhigg.  Why you buy what you buy.
• David and Goliath- Malcolm Gladwell.   Interesting book.
• Outliers-Malcolm Gladwell.  another good one.
• Think like a Freak-Steven Levitt.  by the author of Freakonomics.
• Lone Survivor-Marcus Luttrell. Afghanistan with Navy Seals.
• My mother was nuts- Penny Marshall.  Lavern's Bio.
• No Easy Day-Mark Owens.  Gotcha Osama.
• Killing Jesus-Bill Reilly. Politics, even then.
• Killing Kennedy-Bill Reilly.  More politics.
• Practice to Deceive-Ann Rule.  One of many Ann Rule books I have read.
• Storm Front-John Sandford.  Almost forgot that one.
• Mickey Spillane Trilogy, Mickey's first three books.  He would killed a lot less people if he had a cell phone. (3 books)
• Balance-Bob Freeland.  Iraq bomb defusing.
• Now you see her-James Patterson.  Finally a good read from Patterson.
• 1776-David McCullough. Good history.
• Tis-Frank McCourt. Frank is pretty witty guy. I didn't think I would like this book, but I do.
• Mr. Monk and the blue flu. Lee Goldberg.  Trials and tribulation of a detective with OCD.
• The Natural soap Book-Susan Miller Cavitch.  Learn how to make soap.
• A stolen Life-Jaycee Dugard.  Kidnapped at eleven. Held prisoner for many years.
• Without Pity-Ann Rule. She writes the best true crime books.
• End of a Dream-Ann Rule.  See above.
• Tipping point- Malcolm Gladwell
• What the dog saw-Malcolm Gladwell
• T is for Trespass-Sue Grafton.
• On writing-William Zinsser
• Blink-Malcolm Gladwell
• Judgement Ridge-Mitchell Zuckoff. The Dartmouth Murders.
• Lost in Shangri la-Mitchell zuckoff.  Lost in  rough terrain.
• Think fast and slow-Daniel Kahnemen
• One for the Money-Janet Evanovich.  First of the Plum Series.

I will try to write more in the next year if I don't get writer's block.

You must understand, writer's block is not a nebulous, abstract thing with me.
It is a furry 14 pound mass of feline attitude of "What!!!??

I feel like I have left out a few books.  That’s OK!

Madison has almost nothing of her own.  Oh, maybe a condo, a tent, a tube, Kitty TV (window looking out on the bird feeder) numerous feather toys, balls, her own personal chair on the balcony. 

She has more furniture than we do.   She only puts her claws into "her stuff".  

I am working on a few right now.  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, Uncaged by John Sandford.
Perhaps I will be able to find a book that will tell me how to get my life back from my cat.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

A happy face for the holidays. (Madison)

Note: Madison looks so much like Wilson.  (below)

Wilson was a quiet presence in our life for 16 years.  He never meowed.  He knew how.  He just didn't deem it necessary.  We miss you.

Madison meowed more in the first 10 minutes than wilson did in 16 years and she is still going strong.

She makes us laugh every day.  Just like Wilson.

Great companions.