Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Report from the Hemlock Institute.

Life in America

A skewered look at life on this planet.  Brought to you by the Hemlock Institute, an non-profit think tank running on fumes.

Think tanks are quite adept at making prediction.  I will make some predictions.
  • In the year 2030: There will be millions of people walking around with their heads bent to one side.  They will have radiation marks on their face from cellphone microwaves.  Chiropractors will become millionaires.  They will be new rich. 
  • New type cellphones will be put out by Apple.  It will be implanted in your ear at birth. Sadly you will not be able to sign up for "Do not call" until your eighteenth birthday. Many teenager will go insane while others will go bankrupt buying stuff from telemarketers.  
  • Cigarette companies will come out with Nicotine flavored baby food. 
  • Governor Lindsay Lohan will sign the California free drug law into effect.  This will drive the Mexican Cartels out of business.  She will also sign into law the "English again law".  This will once again make English the first language in California after a 12 year absence.  English may be taught in schools again.  The Latino community is furious.  Since they are 70% of the citizens of the state they should have some say in the decision.  Texas is keeping an eye on the developments. They may also switch to English.
  • Airport security is starting to get slack again.  You will no longer have to go through the checkpoints completely naked.  You will be issued a washcloth to use as you deem appropriate.  After the inspection you will be issued a orange jump suit get on the plane.  Your baggage will be forwarded on a flatbed railroad car.  You can pick it up at a train station closest to your destination.
  • Movies with people wearing clothing is coming back into vogue.  Studies have shown that people wearing certain clothes can be very sexy and provocative.  Hence, any movie with clothed people will be rated "R" or "X".
  • A member of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas questioned whether they were doing the right thing.  They told him that he was a homosexual and deserved to die.  Some things never change.
  • The Democratic majority in Congress voted to revoke the Republican revocation of the previous revocation of the revocation of the Obama health bill.  They were all in agreement that they should get a big raise.  It was voted into law 99 to 1.  The one "no" vote was by Bernie Saunders of Vermont.
  • The average adult American now weighs 294 pounds.  Down from a high of 302 from 6 years ago. McDonald's has downsized their Mac (no longer called the big Mac) to a half pound.  The Biggest Loser is on Every night of the week on every channel.  The average would be higher if it wasn't for the diabetics, which is now 83% of the population.  The diabetics are dropping like leafs in October.
  • Destiny Lovechild is voted Playboy's playmate of the Year. The beauty from Los Angeles, Mexifornia is 6 ft 3 inches in heighth, she weighs in at a hefty 107 pounds. She has broken the mold.  She is the first to weigh in over 100 pounds since Angela "Porky" Gonzales, who hit the scale at a whopping 109 pounds on her 5'11" frame. That was 9 years ago.
  • The blockade of Cuba is in its 73rd year.  The President hopes to have troops out of Afghanistan by 2035.
  • The chairperson of the Republican party once again scoffed at the idea of global warming.  He issued this from his Condo at the Little America, Antartica after 18 holes of golf.
  • A District Attorney for Cook County Illinois stated that Johnnie Lee Jones, a convicted murderer was innocent.  He showed ample evidence of police misconduct, videotape showing the real murderer doing the deed, incompetence by Johnnie's attorney,  Proof that Johnnie was somewhere else, (he was in Washington, testfiying before Congress at the very second of the murder), and someone elses DNA at the scene.   The DA was fired.  When questioned, Cook County officials stated that Jones was convicted by his peers.  (12 white guys with a IQ total of nearly 100). No new trial for Johnnie.  He will be executed on schedule.
  • Microsoft has solved "The blue screen of death" problem.  It is now red.  It will be called "The red screen of death".
  • Clint Eastwood stated he may run for Mayor of Carmel, Mexifornia again.  He must finish his last Harry Callahan adventure called "The nursing home caper."  Quick plot line: Someone steals Harry's "Depends".  He tracks them down and beats the crap out of them or something like that.  Actually, He just touched their belly and said, "I know what your thinking. Did I have five depends or 6 depends?  Well, Frankly, with all the excitement and my Alzheimer's, I kinda lost track myself. Being that I just took in a boxful of prunes this morning, the most powerful laxative known to man,  you have to ask yourself, "Do I feel luck, punk? Well, do ya?....Oops!"  "GIVE THEM TO ME........NOW!!!!!!"......Well, I guess you get the idea.
  • There is a new program on TV called "Press the meat". It is about life in the Salami and cold cut industry. 
  • Former President Obama returns home to Kenya.  Ummm!...Huh?...Even that one surprised me.
  • Former President George Dubbaya Bush finally learned how to say strawtiggery.
  • Colleges have adopted the "No Student must fail".  You can just send the college the tuition money and you get drunk for 4 years.  At the end of four years you get your degree.  Hmmm? That didn't change much except for the "No Student must fail" part.
Well, I have given you a glimpse of the future.  We (WE???) here at the Hemlock Institute continue to notice the trends of the day and can predict the future from these trends.  That is what a think tank does.  I think..possibly, could be, perhaps, maybe.
I can say these things unequivocally.
I could be wrong.


  1. A think tank that might be wrong? Perish the thought!

    Another great post!


  2. So close to reality, it is scary!!!

  3. This would be funnier if it weren't all so plausible!