Tuesday, November 23, 2010

How to be an annoying senior citizen


It is officially the holiday season. I am at wit's end trying to think of something useful to contribute to society in general.
My experience at the doctor's office a few weeks ago gave me an idea. On the entrance door to the office there is a large sign with large lettering that clearly says "Do not use cell phones in office". I thought that was pretty clear.
Within five minutes of my usual half hour wait somebody is calling or receiving calls on their phone. This is not a huge waiting room. Perhaps it is 12 by 12. But it has about 30 chairs. There are no magazines to speak of. A couple perhaps. I am not really interested in reading "Breastfeeder's Monthly" or the "Knitter's handbook".
I did scan through Breastfeeders Monthly. Mostly looking at pictures. Umm, but I digress.
The point is that it is a very confined space for people. Sick people! I was sick. When there are 6 or 7 people ignoring the sign in the door and start calling all over the world, I start getting annoyed.

My wife was having her yearly physical in about a week. I told her I would go with her.
I told her I would bring my GPS because there was a geocache very close to the doctor's office. I had a plan. Instead of being the "annoyee" I will henceforth be the "annoyer".
Be proactive, I say. It is a senior citizen right....actually it a duty to be annoying.

We get to the office and within 5 minutes someone cellphone rings. I leaped to my feet, grab my GPS (a Garmin, I might add), put it to my ear and said, "Hello, Hemlock here!".....Hello....Helllllooooooo!....Your going to have to speak louder. I can't hear you."
I turn to my wife and say, "wrong number." I sit back down.
A phone rings again.
I jump to my feet. I grab my GPS and say loudly, "Hemlock here!!!! Hello! Hello?....I can't hear you." I turn to my wife, shake my GPS a little and say. " It must be a dead zone in here....Oops, bad choice of words, a very sick zone, for sure." I sit back down.

Now people are looking at me. One woman is biting on her finger nails. Her phone is ringing and she doesn't know what to do. Others are putting their phones on vibrate. The room has a nice hum to it. I am looking wild eyed at my GPS.
The man sitting next to me says, " That's a GPS, Mister. That is not a phone."
I slowly turned to him and said, "I know. Phones aren't allowed in here. It says so..right there on the door. It doesn't say anything about GPS's."
I slowly put my GPS to my ear and say, "call me later."
After that everything went just fine at the doctor's office.

I get to my home and someone has let their pony (or St. Bernard) loose in the common area again. Their is nothing quite like the scent of dog feces or pony feces on your sneaker soles. Everyone knows how smooth sneaker soles are. I clean it up the poop, put it in a bag and start walking it towards the dumpster... yet again.
Wait a minute.....proactive. I get a nice bag. Something Christmasy.
I write the guilty party a note:

Dear Sir,
I noticed that your pony or St. Bernard has left us another gift in front of our "curb your dog" sign. I suspect you are doing this because you heard that in Ireland they have used cow chips as fuel. How very thoughtful.
I must tell you; I do not use the fireplace and I will not use your gift to barbecue and that is not cow chips. I have also gotten away from my Irish heritage So I rewrapped it and regifted it for you. I left you a book of matches so you could get it cooking in your fireplace.
Happy Holiday
Your neighbor.

I will be more proactive the next time. That is the key. It is the season. Give...don't take.
I can sleep tonight knowing I have done something for humanity.


  1. Hi its really very nice blog,very useful information..Mobiles

  2. Very useful indeed.
    Especially the part about how to handle the lazy-non-poop-pickuper-neighbour.
    I might use it!!!

  3. You are an inspiration to all of us geezers...but I'm glad you aren't my neighbor. I hate to think of what you would do about our barking dog problem!

    (I LOVE the GPS trick!!)

  4. Love, love love the GPS shenanigans!