Clubbing with Stoners

I am seriously thinking of becoming a holy and righteous person.  

My next door neighbor told me that I should get my affairs in order. I told him I am not having any affairs to keep in order.  He mentioned something about December 21, 2012 being the end of time according to the Mayan calendar.

Oddly, my Penthouse calendar goes right up to December 31, 2012.  

Miss December is obviously totally in the dark on the impending fate of Miss January 2013.

But that is a different issue.

My question is: Should I trust the calendar of a civilization that destroyed themselves by being engaged in warfare with neighboring states and civilizations rather than taking care of business at home?  The Mayans used their natural resources to fight battles and wars.

Since I am a republican I must answer that question with a resounding "YES!"

Isn't that how this country has been managed in the 21st century?  I knew the scenario sounded familiar.

Well....anyway, since the world is coming to an end shortly, I better get my affairs in order and start living a holy and righteous life.

I sold all my stuff to my wife.  She says I have lost my mind. Hmmmm...I am going to have to get information on infidels and nonbelievers.

My neighbor has mentored me on bible passages.  He seems to be kinda stuck on Leviticus.

So far I have been introduced to some new rules to guide my life.

I will give you a few examples.

• The bible says you cannot work the sabbath.   Sunday my neighbor and I went down to the St. Peter's church and threw some stones at the priest while he was giving communion and on the way home we pitched a few rocks at the cook at Kentucky Fried Chicken, but that was more about the food than the sabbath. That Mac and cheese was nasty.

• Touching the skin of a dead pig is unclean.  I guess this is why the NFL has showers in their locker rooms.
• Homosexual men are to be executed.(Lev 20:13)  No mention of homosexual women? 
• Entrance into the assembly of the Lord was granted only to those with complete testicles. (Duet 23:1)   Say what?  What's happening there?  I will need the full set? For what?  Who's going to check it at the door?  That's a job you don't see posted very often.                                                                                                   Testicle checker: Must have experience.  Homosexual men need not apply. You will be executed. $11.50 per hour plus 401k and health plan.  Ask for Monica.
• Children could be stoned for stubbornness - Deuteronomy 21:18,21.  I think this is a good rule.  We could throw sand at stubborn infants.
• Handicapped people could not approach God.  Their presence would profane his sanctuary. (Lev 21:16-23) Ahh! This is good to know.  I don't want to see any blind dwarfs when I arrive in heaven but I better keep taking my glaucoma meds and stand up straight.
• Yikes!!!!! In the bible (Samuel 17 25-27) Saul sells his daughter to David.  He didn't want dollars or shekels nor a dowry of goats and pigs.  Noooooo....! Saul wanted 100 foreskins from Philistine men.  David was a generous tipper so he gave 200 foreskin tips. Yeah.....and you thought tip meant To Insure Promptness.  Not so!!
• I have a question that has really been bothering me.  My friend Darrell has been shaving and cutting the hair on his temples which is expressly forbidden in the bible.(Lev 19:27)  How do I kill him?  I do not care for beheading. It is too messy and I prefer group activities.  I would consider stoning him to death with friends, but my stone supply is about exhausted and I need a few for tonight.  We are going over to the Pink Playhouse men's club.  We plan on stoning an adulterer after the show. Hmmm! Perhaps we could invite Darrell and kill two birds with one stone. Pardon the pun. Was that a pun?   I will have to borrow a few shekels from my wife to get in to this den of sin. 
• We were mulling the idea of sacrificing a virgin but that seemed so wasteful and we couldn't find any volunteers. I have seen old movies where they were going to sacrifice a virgin and it looked like a lot of fun.  All the shouting, dancing, singing and drinking tasty nectars looked interesting. It is very much like a Labor Day barbecue.

I have to go now. My neighbor is at the door.  He has a bag of stones and a  baseball bat. (Hank Aaron, Louisville Slugger model)

He wants to do some smiting before we go clubbing.  Yes, he said to bring a club. I guess his idea of clubbing is not the same as mine.

I see live people. (surrounded by family)

Whitney Houston will not be mentioned.

 I tried to have a Merry Christmas.  It didn’t happen.  I read my hometown newspaper online every day of the week.  Many of my friends and peers are mentioned in the newspaper lately. Sadly, it was in the obituaries: Ron, Jack, Barb, Dottie, and George.

I played little league with Ron and Jack. We graduated the same year. Dotty was also a classmate.  Barb was a good friend, but a year ahead of me in school.  George was a friend and at one time, my landlord.  They all died in a three week period around Christmas.

Yikes!  

Life is a cycle, thus it stands to reason that I should prepare myself as best I can. Since I spent 9 months in a fetal position before I was born I decided to prepare for my impending life event before it was too late. 

I decided to get into a fetal position and wait my turn and ponder whether death is a life event. 

I waited....and waited.

Nothing happened!!.....hmmmm.

Perhaps I should rethink my situation. I will read their obituaries again and see if I can see a common thread that may have contributed to their unfortunate demise.

Ok....They were old. 

Well, I am not young but I certainly don’t feel old. I have a few dings, mostly chiming in my ears.

Yes, maybe occasionally I have achey body parts. Yes, I do need a computer, abacus, and a slide ruler to keep track of my medication. Yes, I am older than all of them. I am older than dirt.

I guess I can eliminate the olditude as a cause.

Maybe it was their location on the map that did them in.  

Nope, they were all over the place on the map.

Perhaps they were not feeling well. 

That’s it!

Luckily I feel fine.

Oh yeah,  Everybody has a little twinge of something going on in their body.  

Ummm...Does projectile vomiting and fainting 7 times in one day qualify as a little twinge? I have always been a fainter.  I like to refer to them as unscheduled naps.

I think it is my medication.  I may have to get it adjusttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt....

Huh...oh...I’m back.  I think I just fainted. 

Something really bothers me about obituaries. They are real downers for everyone.

Read some obituaries. There is a lot of room for creative writing. 

George's obit was so grand, that one would have to rate his departure in the magnitude of importance somewhere between the death of Thomas Jefferson and the crucifiction of Jesus. George was a talented special guy, for sure.  It was well written and I think he got the praise he deserved.  It was wonderful to see that he was appreciated by his loved ones. George had a great obituary.

There are phrases in obits that I really find annoying.

"Surrounded by family and friends": When you are lying in bed, taking a nap and family and friends start surrounding you, get out of there or you will be dead soon. 

"He/she died peacefully":  Really? I am going out kicking, screaming and carrying on like mad dog. There will be nothing peaceful about it.  (whewww! I think I am going to faint)

Someone said obituaries would be much more interesting if it told how the person died.

"Mary Agnes Smith passed away today while texting a naked picture of herself while driving her Mini Cooper under an 18 wheel semi.  She was surrounded by her car."  

That is more interesting.

I stopped going to funerals and wakes.  I just hate it when the mourner try to say something nice about a deceased jerk.

• He had a unique personality.  (He was nasty to everyone. Even the Pope wanted to slap him.)

• He really knew how to paint the town. (Town drunk)

• He will be missed. (Especially at the local taverns and county jail)

• He was a real family man.  (Yeah...eleven kids by five different women)

• Everyone loved her. (Especially men and on a regular basis for a small fee.)

• He/she died doing what he/she loved. (Drinking, taking drugs)

• She looks so natural. (Thank God, it's a closed casket.)

I guess I will have to move forward.  It isn't my time yet.  I actually have high hopes of a long life.  My annuity won't run out until 2066.  

I will be celebrating my 124th birthday that year.  You are invited to my party.  My mind will be as sharp as an unused guillotine. Some of my other parts may be a tad on the dull side. Please bring a gift accordingly. 

Some useful suggestions:  Prunes, Depends, Viagra, some doo wop music, fixodent, orthopedic socks, orthopedic shoes, orthopedic truss, orthopedic back brace, 16x reading glasses. hearing aids,  a life time subscription to AARP or two months worth; whichever last longest.  

I am good with Reader's Digest.   I am subscribed to that magazine until the year 2073.  After that they graciously gave me a free subscription for the rest of my life.

Do you think I should shorten up my annuity?  I have been feeling really goooooooooooo....

d lately. 

I'm back. What happened?

Where was I? Who was I?

The goof of the magi.

Christmas!  Either you love it or hate it.  It can be filled with joy and sadness, sometimes both.

The little French lady decided that we should have a traditional Christmas this year.  I thought it was a good idea.  We both discretely hinted at what we would like for Christmas.  

The only hints were: I wanted an Apple product and she wanted something that smelled good or looked good. (Something other than me.)

On Christmas eve we opened our gifts.   I had an iphone.  I got my wife a nice sweater and a gift pack of Kama Sutra gift soaps, sprays, and perfumes.  I really liked the packaging of the product. It was kinda sexy.

My wife had my iphone all set to go and I was ready to roll.  I called a few friends and relatives.  She called her family in Canada.  We had a very nice evening.

The next day we decided we would eat out.  We got all spiffied up.  We were looking good. She wore her new sweater and had bathed in her new bath oils from Kama Sutra.  She drove, I texted and called friends.  I enjoyed texting very much. (LOL!!)  I learned all the funny little smiley faces and shortcut abbreviations.

We had a very enjoyable dinner.  I enjoyed eating and texting (LOL!!!)  My wife...not so much.  

The waitress asked, "Would you like dessert, Sir?"  

Me:"CAN'T YOU SEE I AM ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW?  ARE YOU BLIND?"

Waitress: "Would you like the rest of your meal in a doggie bag?"

Me: (dirty look) "WHAT...EVER...!"...Listen Mike,  I gotta go.  Some waitress is annoying the hell out of me.  See ya!!!! (pushing a button) "Dave, sorry to keep you on hold so long, some waitress was annoying the hell out of me.....Dave?....Dave?"

Me:"NOW SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? YOU NINNIE!!!"

Wife: "Please, let's go home.  I don't feel so good."

Me: "Wow! Not only is the wait staff rude, but the food makes you sick.  What a joint."(LOL!) "I'll drive. You don't look so good.  Your eyes are all puffy and your breathing kinda weird." 

She got in the car and immediately fell asleep.  

I got her home safe and sound.  It was a bit of an adventure. 

As it turned out she was not asleep. She was unconscious.  She had a severe reaction to the wool sweater (she had an allergic reaction) and the bathsoap and perfumes (also allergic to that).  She is fine now.

I thought I would try to text while driving.  It's legal.  My wife was asleep.  She wouldn't know.  The road is nice and straight.  This will be a piece of cake.

I thought things were going really well until I got about 3 miles from home.

Apparently some County cop is annoyed because she has to work Christmas day.

County Cop: (hereafter referred to as CC) "Could I see your license and registration please?"

Me: "Sure....as soon as I am done texting some people in Ecuador."

CC: "NOW!!!!"

Me: "OK! You don't have to be rude."

Me: "Is there a problem officer?"

CC: "Yes, you have been driving on the sidewalk for the last 2 miles."

Me: "Impossible!! My wife would have told me."

CC: "Wife? What wife? I only see this very tired and bruised dog with its leash hooked to your side mirror."

Me:"I don't own a dog. You have the wrong guy. "(LOL!!!)

CC: "Yeah. You hooked onto the dog when you ran over the ladies toes."

Me: "What lady?"

CC: "The one that was standing by the mailbox with her dog on the leash, fool!"

Me: "Where's my wife? She's not feeling good.  She ate some bad food."

CC: "She's probably not feeling much better right now.  She fell out of the car when you ran over the mailbox.

Me: "Oh...no!  She had my doggie bag on her lap."

CC: "She's fine.  She landed on the lady at the mailbox."

Me:  "OK...can I go now?"

CC:  "Not so fast, speedie.  Have you been drinking?"

Me: "Nope!!!"

CC:  "Well, I guess you haven't broken any laws in South Carolina.  Try not to drive on the sidewalk any more.  I see you are a Republican.  You have a "Goldwater" bumper sticker. That's good enough for me. Return the dog to the lady with the flat toes, pick up your wife and drive safely and have a Merry Christmas."

Me: (texting)  Hey Juan, CC thought I was Republican. LMAO...WTF. CU N July.

My wife is recovering nicely.  It was allergies for sure. She has red welts all over her body and tomorrow she will be able to talk normally and see again. My wife also smashed my iphone with a sledge hammer.  She said it was an accident.  I am not too sure.  We didn't own a sledge hammer until this morning.

Olditude (and how to deal with it)

I am sure you have heard of the movie where the young boy says, "I see dead people."
Not me!  I see old people.  They are everywhere.  You can't avoid them.

A lot of these people think they are dead people, or act like dead people, but they are somewhat alive.  I think the Republicans are trying to phase them out in the same manner as they are trying to eliminate the middle class.

I see dead people...or ice.

I get a little nervous about this because the Republicans in congress are talking about a "Swift proposal".  I didn't get alarmed until I realized that they had capitalized "Swift".
Huh, like the name Swift as opposed to doing something quickly.  This must be Congressman Al Swift from Washington state.  I called Al on the phone... no answer. Turns out he retired in 1995.  So I googled Swift proposal. What came up alarmed me.   It referred to Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal."
This can't be good.
The word on the street is: Pfizer has come up with a tasty formula for Soylent Gray and your younger senators and congressmen are buying pfizer stock like it was going out of style.

Martha Stewart, you can't buy this stock.  This is inside information. Your rep in congress can buy this stock.  OK?....No?  Too bad for you! You don't want to go back to jail and make more burlap dresses, do you?

Moving on to other  new "old business".
Recently a fellow blogger was talking about an "old" friend's problems.  The moral of the story was; "Don't get old."  Actually I prefer "old" to the alternative of not getting old.
Yes, it is fraught with obstacles and hoops that you have to jump through when you are least able to deal with it.  Such things as health insurance, driving after dark, getting my senior citizen discount at KFC or Dunkin Donuts, keeping track of my medications, convincing people my mind is as sharp as it ever was, getting my senior citizen discount at KFC or Dunkin Donuts.....ummmm...getting my.... and other things.

New "New business": This comes under the heading of helpful hints for a happy senior citizen. (AKA: Old coot, curmudgeon, geezer, ye olde farte, walking fossil) and that is just the guys!!!
Here we go.
Hint: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill the same night.
Be prepared for nasty comments from people you least expect it from.

example: My wife told me to iron the shirt that I was wearing.  It was too wrinkly.
The thing is; I was not wearing a shirt.

Open for debate: Wouldn't obituaries be a lot more interesting if it told you how the person died?
Guy stuff? shirts get dirty, underwear get dirty, socks get dirty.  Pants (trousers) never get dirty and you can wear them forever.
End the debate: Is the glass half full or half empty? George Carlin said the glass was too big, no more philosophical debates. subject closed.
Yeah, Really?....I am tired of watching the Miss Universe contest.   Every year Miss Earth wins, Alpha Centauri wasn't even mentioned, no Romulan women, no Vulcan women, Venus, the planet of Love....not mentioned.  I think the fix is in again this year.

Ahead of their time: Books that were not allowed in my school in 1960.

• "The boy who died from eating all his vegetables"
• "Dad's new wife, Robert."
• "That's it, I'm putting you up for adoption."
• "Strangers have the best candy."
• "Lolita"

Yet another philosophical question: I just read about a funeral home that burned down.
Sadly, there was someone's dear one waiting to be cremated when it burned down and he was accidentally cremated.  My question is: How much should they charge the family of the deceased for their services?

Hysteria!!!  Did you cry when Kim Jung il died? I must say I did get caught up in the television coverage?  (OMG....WTF???...sniff..sniff..sob..sob!)
My wife and I wept  and wailed shamelessly.  Our neighbors came over to find out what was wrong.  They left in tears. We are not sure whether they were laughing or crying.

A review of Republican candidates:


Rick Perry: OMG!!!!...He makes George Dubbaya seem like a Rocket Surgeon. It must be the drinking water in Texas.
Mutt Romney? He lost me when he told a gay soldier that the writers of the constitution were against gay marriage.  Really?  I just perused the constitution.  I must be missing a page; it must have to be with the section that solves the slavery problem, and the women's rights problem.
Could someone mail me that page? I seem to have lost that one.
Herman Cain:  A black president? Never happened.  Where was he born?
Michelle Bachmann: She is much cuter than the other candidates. Other than that, a big "L",  as in Loser.
All others: Pathetic....
Mitt?....oh!

But seriously.....  There actually is A VERY GOOD BLOG FOR SENIORS.  It is "Suddenly Senior" by Frank Kaiser.  Even people who are not senior citizens should take a look.  Hopefully some day you will be a senior citizen.  This blog covers a lot of territory.  Some very serious topics, some not so serious.
Frank says he is old as dirt.  In fact, he knew dirt when it was still a rock.

OK...I feel better now.  I am so over Kim Jung il.  No more weeping shamelessly although I must admit I am a little misty eyed...but life goes on.

A Christmas story? Or not!!!

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the living room floor. The family's little rat terrier walked up to the prone body and defecated on its unbreathing chest, as restless reindeer shifted their hoofs noisily on the roof of the house."

Hmmm!  I am having a bit of trouble writing my Christmas story this year. It doesn't seem to be going in the right direction. Once again I have killed the main character in the first paragraph.  I seem to do that a lot.  I guess there are too many things on my mind.  Perhaps I will win the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest this year for the best "It was a dark and stormy night" prose .

Many questions that I saw on a website called"That's my answer."  have been nagging at me.

One question was: If you were a superhero and you had super powers, what would they be?

I know the answer now.  I would be Super Senior Citizen Man. 

I even know what super powers I would have.

• The ability to hear complete conversations without saying "huh?..what?"
• The ability to see things without my glasses.
• The ability to smell and taste food, flowers, coffee.
• The ability to walk without my hip hurting.
• The ability to sleep on my right side, pain free.
• The ability to sleep the whole night without getting up and going to the bathroom.
• The ability to remember where I put my glasses so I could find the bathroom.
• The ability to remember if I took my BP medicines.
• The ability to get out of bed and stand up straight.
• The ability to watch a television program without falling asleep.
• The ability to have voluntary BM's.

My wife (thw little French Lady) sees some of my inabilities as a good thing. A case in point would be my skill at cleaning up Wilson's litter box every morning.  She will not come down the stairs until this is done.  She has tried several times to show up before it is done and she starts gagging and she runs upstairs screaming, "It burns my eyes! It burns my eyes!!!"  

Now that I think about it, even Wilson tries to avoid his own essence after he uses the litter box.  He will sprint up the stairs like a bullet.  

No fifteen year old cat should be able to move that fast without a strong motivation.

It smells pretty bad...I am told.

This is a start for Super Senior Citizen Man.  A  cape and wearing my underwear on the outside will be a nice touch also.

I would need a faithful companion, a sidekick, of course. Every super hero has one.

I would actually have two.  I would have "General Practitioner Man", who would assure my ongoing success as "Super Senior Citizen Man"  by dispensing prescriptions, and "Pharmacy Girl", who would assist GP Man with my medications such as Prozac, medical cannabis in pill or brownie form (for glaucoma, of course). 

What!!!??? I don't live in California? Or Vermont?...never mind.

I would need some sleeping aids, for sure.  I go to bed and my mind races like a three year old after drinking two cups of coffee and a Jolt cola.

These questions on "That's my answer" drive me crazy.  

The other day someone asked, "If you could, in what city would you like to be a taxi driver."  

I picked Vatican City.  Short trips.

I think about these things while trying to sleep.  Last night I was thinking about taxes.

I understand the concept. I am confused about how are taxes are spent.

The government will spend huge quanities of money to send PFC John Doe to Iraq and Afghanistan with top of the line equipment. When he gets home, they dump him on the street shell shocked, missing a leg, homeless and basically say "We are done with you now don't bother us". Sad, but true...

The night before I agonized over how to fold fitted sheets.  I also wondered why the first testicular guard, "the cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first  helmet was used in 1974.  Does this come down to manly priorities?  This is proof that man is evolving.

I live at the beach.  Boccie players have small balls.  I think they should use bowling balls instead.  Their little balls take up too much room on the beach.  I don't want to get whacked in the head by someone's stray balls flying through the air. 

Last Wednesday night worry: Pockets on a thong.  Good idea or bad idea? Discuss amongst yourselves...

Tuesday night, "euphemisms" kept me awake.  I was trying to find a nice way of saying "vomiting". The choice that comes to mind: Unplanned reexamination of recent food choices.

Well, I guess it is time to get back to my Christmas story.  All Righty then!!!

"The shrieking of happy little children is heard in the background as they descend the stairs before entering the living room to open their presents."

Uh oh....! I don't think this is going to end well.  
Perhaps I should email my pal, Stuart Woods again. Yeah, He's my pal...I tell you!!!!  He got me out of my last writing blunder.

Anderson Cooper and other hairy issues

Goodbye Doctor Phil.

No more hair raising stories.

No more road trips, I have a daily program.

The little French Lady and I have watched Doctor Phil for eight years.  One day, while we were watching Phil, he looked into the camera and said, "How's that working for you?"  My wife and I looked at each other and said, "It's not, Dr. Phil."

We had heard his home spun pithy maxims at least a few hundred times.  I think I could do his program if he decides to go on vacation or retire.  The only thing required of me for hosting his show will be to say three things.  

• How's that workin fer ya?
• This ain't my first rodeo.
• No matter how thick the pancake, it still has two sides 

Obviously he has not seen my mother's pancakes.  They were so thick that they qualified as having three sides.

But once again I digress.

We grow weary of you, Doctor Phil.

We are moving on but we have a problem.  My wife and I tend to take on the persona of the favorite television people that we admire.  Someone who has the same core values as we do.

I must model myself after someone new.  I have eliminated numerous candidates.  It is down to Andy Rooney,  Larry King, or Anderson Cooper.  

• Andy Rooney   (deceased)
• Larry King  (I do not own suspenders or a bowtie)
• Anderson Cooper (We both have similar hairstyle and color)

That was easy.

Now the little French Lady must decide who she is going to model herself after.

It is down to Judge Marilyn Milian of "People's Court" , Judge Judy of "Judge Judy", or Sarah Palin of "I can see Russia from my front porch", and I believe she was involved in politics at one time.  We both like Rachel Maddow.  I think she is a hottie.  My wife just smirks and says, "okey...dokey.  Good luck with that."
What....?????....!!!!!

We both like to watch Judge Judy.  Judy gets a little cranky occasionally.  We both have taken on her persona lately.
The other morning when I was in my pre-coffee stupor and barely aware that I was actually awake, my sweetie said something to me which apparently bounced off the outer edge of my cranial cavity.  She was not pleased.
She found a pencil or a hammer or some pointy instrument and whacked it off the table surface.
I lifted my befogged head and she took her two fingers closest to her thumb, pointed them at her eyes and shook them.
"Here!!...look here. Not at the ceiling or the floor. Here!!!"
I just looked up and said, " It was a gift, your honor."
She really does have her Judy moments.

In the morning I am more like Rick (OMG!!!!) Perry.  I would really like to be more like my buddy, Anderson.
It is too bad about Anderson.  He just had his first cup of coffee last week on his television show.  He had a hyper coffee buzz.  He likes it but I don't think he needs it.

I suppose the second choice of personas I might choose to be is Mike Holmes of "Holmes on Homes." and "Holmes Inspection". He is a Canadian guy who fixes other contractors' goofs.  His program is very popular on HGTV.
This guy looks a lot like me.  He is built like me. His hair is the same color as mine. (My wife made me strike the other two sentences.)
She took a pencil, whacked on my keyboard, pointed two finger at her eyes and said, "Look here......seek.... professional.... help!!!!"
Hah! I know a lot more about contracting and fixing houses than she thinks.

"That's ridicoolus!!!"

One day I was lining up nails. Some of the nail heads were facing left and some were facing right.  I told her the ones facing left were inside nails, the ones facing right were outside nails.  I told her I needed more left nails so I sent her to the hardware store.
She was very annoyed when she got back.  She kept saying, "That's ridicoolus!!!". Just like Judge Judy.

Just when I think I have lost her to Judge Judy,  she will come up with some Cuban homily of Judge Marilyn Milian.
So it's been decided.
I am going to model my life after Mike Holmes and my sweetie is still trying to decide between Ellen De Generes, Michelle Obama or Nancy Grace.
Huh...?...what?

Senior moments (Relativity explained here!)

Bullets for a better world.

Yesterday my wife, the little French lady, explained relativity to me and she didn't need Einstein around to explain it. She used the three hair theorem. 

• If I had 3 hairs on my head that wouldn't be very much hair.  If I had those same three hairs floating in my soup, that's a lot of hair. It's relative.  See...no Einstein required.
• Ahhh....Relativity.  When I was growing up the superheros wore their underwear on the outside and had big capes.  In the fifties they were called Superman, Batman, Captain Marvel.  Now they are called Interior Decorators or Rap singers.
• In the 50's these Superheros had young companions or proteges who lived with them. In the 50's that was OK.  Now the men would be called Monsignor.
• When Superman was a child and his  "mother" made his "uniform", what kind of thread and scissors did she use to cut and sew the cloth?  I worry about this stuff.
• I am trying to learn Spanish.  Those people have a different word for everything. When I visited Montreal,  I thought if I talked louder they would understand me.  I asked my wife what was wrong with these people?  Why aren't they speaking English?  Didn't you tell them about my impending visit?   She said she forgot.

• When I was growing up in the fifties, my dad worked, my mom stayed home. We owned our house,  my father bought a brand new 1955 Chevy,  our health plan was taken care of by my dad's employer. Everybody in our town was a Republican.  We wondered why anyone would be a Democrat.  We knew nothing of poor people, civil rights, poor schools.  We knew nothing of that other world.
• Times change.  We elected a black Democrat president.  My dear republicans are furious.  How could this happen?  I wonder?  Could it be that their leadership is less than inspiring?  Are George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Sarah Palin the cream of the crop?  Yikes.  Could it be that a majority of americans are concerned about things such as health care?  I really don't care if he was born in Kenya or Hawaii.  
• Rick Perry: OMG!!!!!!
• Former Presidents: George Washington? Father of our country? That is the only thing he fathered.  He had no children of his own.  James Madison? Ditto!!
• President James Garfield was assassinated by...his doctors.  Yeah, yeah...I know. Someone shot him.  If the doctor had left him alone he would have recovered.  He had seen 16 different doctors.  Sadly they poked around inside him trying to find the bullet.  While doing so, they lacerated his liver, he got an infection and died 89 days after he was shot.   An autopsy showed the bullet encapsulated. Oops!!
• Wakes! What a wonderful tradition.  Wakes were started because people in the olden days had a nasty habit of burying people who were still alive. Someone suggested they hold off for a few days before we bury this unmoving person.  The person may "wake" up.  I know I would be real cranky if I woke up from a big hangover, inside a pine box wearing a tie, white shirt and a suit coat, and jockey shorts.  "Hey, get me outa here. My mouth feels like I ate cotton candy. Where's my pants and socks?  What are these pennies doing on my eyes?"  I am sure this could have happened to a few of my Irish ancestors.
• People are protesting the Wall Street shenanigans? What took so long?  The liberal's answer to the Tea party?  Isn't this almost Anti-American and unpatriotic, Rush? 

I just had to get this stuff off my chest, along with those three hairs I just shaved off.

Gotta go to lunch now.

What's that floating in my soup?  Relativity?