Yo...Dude! (reviewing Hemlock blog)

In recent weeks I noticed that the number of hits on my blog has been diminishing on google analyticals. My three regular readers are starting to waver.

I asked a few of my “friends” to review my blog and give an honest assessment of my writings.

Yo....Dude!

Let’s begin:

Randy Jackson of American idol:  Dude

“Dude….Yo…Dude…Yo…..ridiculously good…yo,Dude,  I think you’re in it to win it. Yo, Dude.”

Jennifer Lopez: 

"I was moved to tears by your last blog. You have the talent but you must bring it to the next level. You can’t keep playing it safe.”

Steven Tyler: 

"Your range of talent is wider than Randy Jackson’s ass, funnier than my wardrobe and has more eye catching range than Jennifer Lopez’s butt."

Randy Jackson: “Yo….dude..yo…yo…..yoyo…Yo…dude!”

Howie Mandell of America’s Got Talent:

“I was touched by your blogs.  Here’s the thing.  DON’T TOUCH ME. I don’t like being touched.”

Sharon Osborne: 

“I didn’t understand the humour, but Ozzie explained it to me. Now I understand.”

Piers Morgan: 

“Drivel, absolute and pure drivel. Change your shoes, changes your socks, change your underwear, change your blog and you could capture the American public. They will love it.”

Donald Trump: 

“You are wonderfully talented .. but ..You're fired.  Piers, you're fired too.  Randy…fired! Hemlock? who?”

Stuart Woods:

“Yo…dude…yo…Stone Barrington loves  it. His hero is Colt Brandisher.”

Huh? That didn’t sound much like Stuart Woods.

Clark Kent of the Daily Planet says:

“A super blog. Almost more powerful than a locomotive.”

Bruce Wayne of Gotham City says:

"Don’t bother me right now, Hemlock!  I have my own problems.   I have to go to court today.  

Let me give you a bit of advice, my friend.  Don’t take a 15 year old boy into your house, put him in tights and a cape, name him Robin. I dress myself up in tights, cape and a mask, keep the kid in a basement cave for 40 years and expect gratitude.  He is suing me for every penny I am worth.  He says I molested him.  I know it looks bad.  I wrestled and boxed with him but that was training.  

My manservant, Alfred, has turned against me.  Alfred said he heard a lot of “bam, boom, pow” coming from the basement. It was training, nothing inappropriate.  well, I may have touched Robin’s cute little butt occasionally. Nothing sexual, Really. 

Well, I did peck him on the cheek once or twice.  No tongue involved….except that day I was very lonesome.  The kid was a hottie…I gotta go. Great blog."

Hemlock:  “Thanks Bruce for the glowing review. Hmmmm! TMI!”

Randy Jackson:

“Yo…Bruce….Dude…Yo.  Be in it to win it. Yo.”

Ozzie Osborne:”Wha….who win? Where my frog? umm.da dooba.. Damn you, frog. wha..yo..wha..yoyo…doodoo? good,…good?”

David Hasselhoff:  “Hemlock, a beer and your blog is all I need to find happiness. You could throw up throw in a hamburger and I am a happy boy.”

Clarence Thomas, Supreme court judge:

“Dude…dude…Randy has a big butt.  This is my judgement.  Jennifer Lopez?…her ass is three happy meals from catching up with Randy’s butt.  Steven Tyler…How would you like to meet that dude in a dark alley at 2 am?  Fun….not!!!!  Hemlock your blog was judged. It was 5 to 4. Happy now? Yo…dude.”

Rush Limbaugh (American know-it-all)

“Hemlock, You are a left wing, nut job slut. Your blog will be the downfall of all good american values such as owning an Uzi, texting while driving, the right to bash gay people and other fun stuff. Don’t try to confuse me with common sense.  I don’t care that you have been a registered republican since 1963,  I don’t like your communistic anti-god, gay loving blog, you writing whore!!!!"

Randy Jackson:  

“Yo…..Limbaugh Dude..Yo….Your ass is fatter than mine.  Your fat ass goes all the way to the top of your Charlie Brown head. Yo…Dude.”

Andy Rooney:

“Don’t you just hate it when you die suddenly?  It ruined my vacation plans.  I was going to catch up on Hemlock’s blog.  He is one of my favorites."  

"Don’t you just hate it when you get to the pearly gates and there is a waiting line?  Why do they call it the pearly gates? I saw no pearls or no one named pearl.  Hey, There’s Mike Wallace and Ed Bradley.  They are arguing over who is going to interview God.  Don’t you hate it when you get to heaven and people are arguing about who is going to interview God?”

George Bush former President and comedian.

"After reading Henrock's blogs I had an ephifory.  I realized I should be saying epiphany.  I must now change my life strawtiggery."

Randy Jackson: 

“Yo… Hemlock dude…..Does this culotte make my ass look big?  It isn’t a culotte, dude? It’s my boxer shorts. Yo…dude.”

Lady Gaga: "Hemlock’s blogs are pretentious and contrived.  I ought to know."

Steven Hawking: physicist and  actor on “Big Bang Theory”

“I don’t talk much, but if I could I would say that Hemlock’s blog is pure genius and if Shakespeare was alive today he would say. 'Wow. I’m old and Hemlock is great.'”

Helen Keller Junior:

"A winner at the braille blog of the month club."

Kanye West: singer and world foremost authority on the Arts

"Hemlock, not bad, but Beyonce's blog is really much better. Aorry, not really."

Internet reviews: (the vote is in)

LOL count 172

LMAO count 269

WTF?  count 13,482

WYSIWYG  count 128

2G2B4G      count 3

Stop! AAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse) count 3477

Meh count 211

TBD count 687

other count 8

Yo.....OK! The vote is in.  It has been decided.  Randy Jackson needs a dictionary to enhance his limited vocabulary.......Dude!  

As Judge Judy would say...RIDICULOUS!!!!!

The blog. It will survive.

Anderson Cooper and other hairy issues

Goodbye Doctor Phil.

No more hair raising stories.

No more road trips, I have a daily program.

The little French Lady and I have watched Doctor Phil for eight years.  One day, while we were watching Phil, he looked into the camera and said, "How's that working for you?"  My wife and I looked at each other and said, "It's not, Dr. Phil."

We had heard his home spun pithy maxims at least a few hundred times.  I think I could do his program if he decides to go on vacation or retire.  The only thing required of me for hosting his show will be to say three things.  

• How's that workin fer ya?
• This ain't my first rodeo.
• No matter how thick the pancake, it still has two sides 

Obviously he has not seen my mother's pancakes.  They were so thick that they qualified as having three sides.

But once again I digress.

We grow weary of you, Doctor Phil.

We are moving on but we have a problem.  My wife and I tend to take on the persona of the favorite television people that we admire.  Someone who has the same core values as we do.

I must model myself after someone new.  I have eliminated numerous candidates.  It is down to Andy Rooney,  Larry King, or Anderson Cooper.  

• Andy Rooney   (deceased)
• Larry King  (I do not own suspenders or a bowtie)
• Anderson Cooper (We both have similar hairstyle and color)

That was easy.

Now the little French Lady must decide who she is going to model herself after.

It is down to Judge Marilyn Milian of "People's Court" , Judge Judy of "Judge Judy", or Sarah Palin of "I can see Russia from my front porch", and I believe she was involved in politics at one time.  We both like Rachel Maddow.  I think she is a hottie.  My wife just smirks and says, "okey...dokey.  Good luck with that."
What....?????....!!!!!

We both like to watch Judge Judy.  Judy gets a little cranky occasionally.  We both have taken on her persona lately.
The other morning when I was in my pre-coffee stupor and barely aware that I was actually awake, my sweetie said something to me which apparently bounced off the outer edge of my cranial cavity.  She was not pleased.
She found a pencil or a hammer or some pointy instrument and whacked it off the table surface.
I lifted my befogged head and she took her two fingers closest to her thumb, pointed them at her eyes and shook them.
"Here!!...look here. Not at the ceiling or the floor. Here!!!"
I just looked up and said, " It was a gift, your honor."
She really does have her Judy moments.

In the morning I am more like Rick (OMG!!!!) Perry.  I would really like to be more like my buddy, Anderson.
It is too bad about Anderson.  He just had his first cup of coffee last week on his television show.  He had a hyper coffee buzz.  He likes it but I don't think he needs it.

I suppose the second choice of personas I might choose to be is Mike Holmes of "Holmes on Homes." and "Holmes Inspection". He is a Canadian guy who fixes other contractors' goofs.  His program is very popular on HGTV.
This guy looks a lot like me.  He is built like me. His hair is the same color as mine. (My wife made me strike the other two sentences.)
She took a pencil, whacked on my keyboard, pointed two finger at her eyes and said, "Look here......seek.... professional.... help!!!!"
Hah! I know a lot more about contracting and fixing houses than she thinks.

"That's ridicoolus!!!"

One day I was lining up nails. Some of the nail heads were facing left and some were facing right.  I told her the ones facing left were inside nails, the ones facing right were outside nails.  I told her I needed more left nails so I sent her to the hardware store.
She was very annoyed when she got back.  She kept saying, "That's ridicoolus!!!". Just like Judge Judy.

Just when I think I have lost her to Judge Judy,  she will come up with some Cuban homily of Judge Marilyn Milian.
So it's been decided.
I am going to model my life after Mike Holmes and my sweetie is still trying to decide between Ellen De Generes, Michelle Obama or Nancy Grace.
Huh...?...what?

I learned everything I know about the law from my Television.

Litigation can be fun.

My wife and I like to watch the People's Court and Judge Judy. These two judges are very different but both are very effective.

A little background on the judges:

Judge Judy's forte is not pleasantness. The moment her show comes on the air you will notice that this probably will not be a pleasant experience for either the Plaintiff or the defendant. In fact, during the pre-show introduction phase, she stands before the camera with arms crossed with a smile that looks painful.

After the litigants are introduced she will start cross examining them. If it she had her way the litigants would stand at attention and look her in the eye, not move, not blink, and answer the question that was asked. But sometimes the litigant want to filter what the judge will here. It will sound something like this:

Litigant: "I would like to give you a little background information before I answer that question, your Honor." (smile)

Judge Judy:(YELLING) "Answer the question I asked, You idiot."

Litigant: But...!(smile gone)

Judge Judy:(YELLING) " Is that your witness? (woman dressed like a hooker)Don't you know how to dress for court? This is not some street corner. cover yourself up.....idiots!"

Witness: but....!

Judge Judy: (POUNDING GAVEL FURIOUSLY) Shut up! get her out of here.

The thing about Judge Judy is that she is a very savvy and clever judge. She can get people to say things they wish they had not said. She doesn't give them time to invent an answer. she brow beats them to answer immediately. They get caught in their own web of lies.

She is rough. I don't think she spends a lot of time explaining the law, but if you watch her program you can learn a lot about the law. She just doesn't explain it to you in black and white all the time. You have to listen. It's crude but very effective. She clearly believes that the justice system would work better if she could shock your private parts with a thousand volts rather than use the gavel. I think she might be a republican.

Judge Marilyn Milian: (The hottest judge on Television)...must be menopause.

Judge Milian is much more tolerant of litigants on "The People's Court". She is better at explaining some of the nuances of the law than Judy. She never calls anybody names like "idiot , stupid, or other demeaning names. Judy treats everybody like trailer trash. Judge Milian treats everybody with dignity even when she can't stand the people. She gets angry occasionally and hollers at the litigants. She is also very effective. She may be a Democrat.

Defense #1: My favorite: It was a gift. or, as I like to call it: The Beautiful Whore defense if you are a girl, The handsome Gigolo defense if you are a guy.

How it works: litigant: "I am so gorgeous and desired that he wooed me with $5,000 so I could get my breast implants when I asked him for the money. A week later I told him I didn't want to see him any more but we are only friends anyway, your honor." GUYS:for fixing up the pimpmobile, or the gold neck chains. a week later break up with the girl.

Defense #2: The dog ate my proof or I didn't know I would need it so I didn't bring it.

In this defense one or both of the litigants don't have a shred of proof of anything.

Litigant: I left my proof home. I didn't get it from the bank on time.

Judge Milian: "Didn't you know you were going to be here today? What were you saving all those receipts for? Duh!!!! ....You have the burden of proof and you didn't bring your proof which you claim to have. Stick a fork in me, I'm SO done. Your case is dismissed."

These are a couple of my favorites. It happens over and over again. Then they will be interviewed outside the courtroom.

Interview:"I didn't get a chance to give all my evidence. She did not let me explain why I ran over that woman pedestrian three times while I was drunk. She made an obscene gesture to me when she walked in front of my car. I have witnesses. This is not fair!!!!!"

"Harvey!!!!"

Harvey Levin's tip of the day: GET IT IN WRITING!!!!!!