Yo...Dude! (reviewing Hemlock blog)

In recent weeks I noticed that the number of hits on my blog has been diminishing on google analyticals. My three regular readers are starting to waver.

I asked a few of my “friends” to review my blog and give an honest assessment of my writings.

Yo....Dude!

Let’s begin:

Randy Jackson of American idol:  Dude

“Dude….Yo…Dude…Yo…..ridiculously good…yo,Dude,  I think you’re in it to win it. Yo, Dude.”

Jennifer Lopez: 

"I was moved to tears by your last blog. You have the talent but you must bring it to the next level. You can’t keep playing it safe.”

Steven Tyler: 

"Your range of talent is wider than Randy Jackson’s ass, funnier than my wardrobe and has more eye catching range than Jennifer Lopez’s butt."

Randy Jackson: “Yo….dude..yo…yo…..yoyo…Yo…dude!”

Howie Mandell of America’s Got Talent:

“I was touched by your blogs.  Here’s the thing.  DON’T TOUCH ME. I don’t like being touched.”

Sharon Osborne: 

“I didn’t understand the humour, but Ozzie explained it to me. Now I understand.”

Piers Morgan: 

“Drivel, absolute and pure drivel. Change your shoes, changes your socks, change your underwear, change your blog and you could capture the American public. They will love it.”

Donald Trump: 

“You are wonderfully talented .. but ..You're fired.  Piers, you're fired too.  Randy…fired! Hemlock? who?”

Stuart Woods:

“Yo…dude…yo…Stone Barrington loves  it. His hero is Colt Brandisher.”

Huh? That didn’t sound much like Stuart Woods.

Clark Kent of the Daily Planet says:

“A super blog. Almost more powerful than a locomotive.”

Bruce Wayne of Gotham City says:

"Don’t bother me right now, Hemlock!  I have my own problems.   I have to go to court today.  

Let me give you a bit of advice, my friend.  Don’t take a 15 year old boy into your house, put him in tights and a cape, name him Robin. I dress myself up in tights, cape and a mask, keep the kid in a basement cave for 40 years and expect gratitude.  He is suing me for every penny I am worth.  He says I molested him.  I know it looks bad.  I wrestled and boxed with him but that was training.  

My manservant, Alfred, has turned against me.  Alfred said he heard a lot of “bam, boom, pow” coming from the basement. It was training, nothing inappropriate.  well, I may have touched Robin’s cute little butt occasionally. Nothing sexual, Really. 

Well, I did peck him on the cheek once or twice.  No tongue involved….except that day I was very lonesome.  The kid was a hottie…I gotta go. Great blog."

Hemlock:  “Thanks Bruce for the glowing review. Hmmmm! TMI!”

Randy Jackson:

“Yo…Bruce….Dude…Yo.  Be in it to win it. Yo.”

Ozzie Osborne:”Wha….who win? Where my frog? umm.da dooba.. Damn you, frog. wha..yo..wha..yoyo…doodoo? good,…good?”

David Hasselhoff:  “Hemlock, a beer and your blog is all I need to find happiness. You could throw up throw in a hamburger and I am a happy boy.”

Clarence Thomas, Supreme court judge:

“Dude…dude…Randy has a big butt.  This is my judgement.  Jennifer Lopez?…her ass is three happy meals from catching up with Randy’s butt.  Steven Tyler…How would you like to meet that dude in a dark alley at 2 am?  Fun….not!!!!  Hemlock your blog was judged. It was 5 to 4. Happy now? Yo…dude.”

Rush Limbaugh (American know-it-all)

“Hemlock, You are a left wing, nut job slut. Your blog will be the downfall of all good american values such as owning an Uzi, texting while driving, the right to bash gay people and other fun stuff. Don’t try to confuse me with common sense.  I don’t care that you have been a registered republican since 1963,  I don’t like your communistic anti-god, gay loving blog, you writing whore!!!!"

Randy Jackson:  

“Yo…..Limbaugh Dude..Yo….Your ass is fatter than mine.  Your fat ass goes all the way to the top of your Charlie Brown head. Yo…Dude.”

Andy Rooney:

“Don’t you just hate it when you die suddenly?  It ruined my vacation plans.  I was going to catch up on Hemlock’s blog.  He is one of my favorites."  

"Don’t you just hate it when you get to the pearly gates and there is a waiting line?  Why do they call it the pearly gates? I saw no pearls or no one named pearl.  Hey, There’s Mike Wallace and Ed Bradley.  They are arguing over who is going to interview God.  Don’t you hate it when you get to heaven and people are arguing about who is going to interview God?”

George Bush former President and comedian.

"After reading Henrock's blogs I had an ephifory.  I realized I should be saying epiphany.  I must now change my life strawtiggery."

Randy Jackson: 

“Yo… Hemlock dude…..Does this culotte make my ass look big?  It isn’t a culotte, dude? It’s my boxer shorts. Yo…dude.”

Lady Gaga: "Hemlock’s blogs are pretentious and contrived.  I ought to know."

Steven Hawking: physicist and  actor on “Big Bang Theory”

“I don’t talk much, but if I could I would say that Hemlock’s blog is pure genius and if Shakespeare was alive today he would say. 'Wow. I’m old and Hemlock is great.'”

Helen Keller Junior:

"A winner at the braille blog of the month club."

Kanye West: singer and world foremost authority on the Arts

"Hemlock, not bad, but Beyonce's blog is really much better. Aorry, not really."

Internet reviews: (the vote is in)

LOL count 172

LMAO count 269

WTF?  count 13,482

WYSIWYG  count 128

2G2B4G      count 3

Stop! AAAAA (American Association Against Acronym Abuse) count 3477

Meh count 211

TBD count 687

other count 8

Yo.....OK! The vote is in.  It has been decided.  Randy Jackson needs a dictionary to enhance his limited vocabulary.......Dude!  

As Judge Judy would say...RIDICULOUS!!!!!

The blog. It will survive.

The New reality? The Portly Pia and other Ramblings.

Ok! I just watched a rerun of American Idol.
Yes, I finally get it.  Pia Tuscano was voted off by 13 year old female cellphone users.  We all know how astute the critical judgement of 13 year old hormonally imbalanced females can be. That is why there are 2 girls and 5 guys left.  I suspect that Haley and Lauren will be next.  I can forgive these teenage girls for being 13 year old teenage girls.  AI is, after all is said and done, a popularity contest.

I know Pia will have a very successful career. Remember Jennifer Hudson?

My problem is with a critic.  I am referring to NY Daily News critic Jim Farber, who referred to Pia as "The burly singer". What?  I had to recheck the meaning of the word "burly".  I thought I knew what it meant.

Burly: (of a person) large and strong, heavily built. Large and thick of build. Stout, robust.

Yes,  I do know what it means.

I don't know which event is more shocking.  Pia getting voted off was flabbergasting but I was really flummoxed when Farber referred to Pia as "burly".
Does he have a television?  I did not see a portly Pia, the chubby chanteuse.  I saw a gorgeous lady.  I believe about 98% of American women would be ecstatic if they looked as good as she did.
So I will assume this critic (Farber) has a working television so he saw what I saw.
I am supposed to trust his judgement as a critic?  Really?
This person writes for a living.  He is a wordsmith.  He should choose his words carefully.
The balding, myopic, toothless, bulbed nosed music writer for the New York Daily News should be dragged through Howard Beach, NY by a herd of goats with diarrhea.
What? He has teeth?........whatever!!!
I see what I see and he sees what he sees. Subjective!!!!

Which brings me to my favorite judge on America's Got Talent, Howie Mandell. He was so clueless. He thought this Indian impressionist (Ronith) was hysterical.  Piers thought it was "twaddle".  Howie didn't think that we "got it".  We got it.  Ronith had no talent.
I guess Howie has some Indian blood in him.  He is, after all, an"untouchable".
Howie and Sharon voted for Ronith to go through a couple of times.  Well, what can you expect much from someone whose basic job is to be an translator for Ozzie?  Is Ozzie English? Is that what he is speaking or is it Ozziespeak?

Since I am here, I have a question that has been keeping me awake for many nights.
I realize that "people of color" keep changing their name.  When I grew up they were called "Negroes" (or something worse), now they call themselves "Afro-American".
This is all good. I have no problem with that.  That is not my problem.
My problem is what do they call black people in Canada?  Afro-Canadians?  I don't think so.  My wife spent most of her life in Canada and the term Afro-Canadian never came up.
She is French Canadian and probably lived closer to the North Pole than to Montreal for a few years, so it didn't come up in conversation that much, I suppose.  I suspect they said things like, "Cold, eh!!" and "Sacrebleu".  Another thing about Quebec is every town is
Saint something or other.  There may be a town with that name: "Saint something or other".  They ran out of Saints.
She lived in Saint-Something or other #19 for 2 years.

The little french lady and I watch Househunters International on HGTV.  We thought it would be interesting to live in a different country.  Then she started thinking about it.
"I am getting close to my retirement. We will have to find a country that has a better health care system than the US." she stated.
That cuts it down to about 30 countries in the western hemisphere. Cuba, Belize, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic to name a few. Avoid Haiti.
OK...I'm done.  I will sleep tonight.