The goof of the magi.

Christmas!  Either you love it or hate it.  It can be filled with joy and sadness, sometimes both.

The little French lady decided that we should have a traditional Christmas this year.  I thought it was a good idea.  We both discretely hinted at what we would like for Christmas.  

The only hints were: I wanted an Apple product and she wanted something that smelled good or looked good. (Something other than me.)

On Christmas eve we opened our gifts.   I had an iphone.  I got my wife a nice sweater and a gift pack of Kama Sutra gift soaps, sprays, and perfumes.  I really liked the packaging of the product. It was kinda sexy.

My wife had my iphone all set to go and I was ready to roll.  I called a few friends and relatives.  She called her family in Canada.  We had a very nice evening.

The next day we decided we would eat out.  We got all spiffied up.  We were looking good. She wore her new sweater and had bathed in her new bath oils from Kama Sutra.  She drove, I texted and called friends.  I enjoyed texting very much. (LOL!!)  I learned all the funny little smiley faces and shortcut abbreviations.

We had a very enjoyable dinner.  I enjoyed eating and texting (LOL!!!)  My wife...not so much.  

The waitress asked, "Would you like dessert, Sir?"  

Me:"CAN'T YOU SEE I AM ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW?  ARE YOU BLIND?"

Waitress: "Would you like the rest of your meal in a doggie bag?"

Me: (dirty look) "WHAT...EVER...!"...Listen Mike,  I gotta go.  Some waitress is annoying the hell out of me.  See ya!!!! (pushing a button) "Dave, sorry to keep you on hold so long, some waitress was annoying the hell out of me.....Dave?....Dave?"

Me:"NOW SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? YOU NINNIE!!!"

Wife: "Please, let's go home.  I don't feel so good."

Me: "Wow! Not only is the wait staff rude, but the food makes you sick.  What a joint."(LOL!) "I'll drive. You don't look so good.  Your eyes are all puffy and your breathing kinda weird." 

She got in the car and immediately fell asleep.  

I got her home safe and sound.  It was a bit of an adventure. 

As it turned out she was not asleep. She was unconscious.  She had a severe reaction to the wool sweater (she had an allergic reaction) and the bathsoap and perfumes (also allergic to that).  She is fine now.

I thought I would try to text while driving.  It's legal.  My wife was asleep.  She wouldn't know.  The road is nice and straight.  This will be a piece of cake.

I thought things were going really well until I got about 3 miles from home.

Apparently some County cop is annoyed because she has to work Christmas day.

County Cop: (hereafter referred to as CC) "Could I see your license and registration please?"

Me: "Sure....as soon as I am done texting some people in Ecuador."

CC: "NOW!!!!"

Me: "OK! You don't have to be rude."

Me: "Is there a problem officer?"

CC: "Yes, you have been driving on the sidewalk for the last 2 miles."

Me: "Impossible!! My wife would have told me."

CC: "Wife? What wife? I only see this very tired and bruised dog with its leash hooked to your side mirror."

Me:"I don't own a dog. You have the wrong guy. "(LOL!!!)

CC: "Yeah. You hooked onto the dog when you ran over the ladies toes."

Me: "What lady?"

CC: "The one that was standing by the mailbox with her dog on the leash, fool!"

Me: "Where's my wife? She's not feeling good.  She ate some bad food."

CC: "She's probably not feeling much better right now.  She fell out of the car when you ran over the mailbox.

Me: "Oh...no!  She had my doggie bag on her lap."

CC: "She's fine.  She landed on the lady at the mailbox."

Me:  "OK...can I go now?"

CC:  "Not so fast, speedie.  Have you been drinking?"

Me: "Nope!!!"

CC:  "Well, I guess you haven't broken any laws in South Carolina.  Try not to drive on the sidewalk any more.  I see you are a Republican.  You have a "Goldwater" bumper sticker. That's good enough for me. Return the dog to the lady with the flat toes, pick up your wife and drive safely and have a Merry Christmas."

Me: (texting)  Hey Juan, CC thought I was Republican. LMAO...WTF. CU N July.

My wife is recovering nicely.  It was allergies for sure. She has red welts all over her body and tomorrow she will be able to talk normally and see again. My wife also smashed my iphone with a sledge hammer.  She said it was an accident.  I am not too sure.  We didn't own a sledge hammer until this morning.

Our "emergency phone"

This time it's final. We did not learn our lesson the first time. We will be getting the sledge hammer ready.My wife and I really hate cell phones. We think they are the scourge of the 21st century.

Gone are the days when we could say, "865J3 and you could talk to your neighbor with 7 other families listening in if you were on a "party line". The phone rang once if it was for you, twice if it was someone else on the party line. If they talked to long you shouted, " get off the line, you've been on for ten minutes. I have to call aunt Tessie."

Life is so different now. Everyone seems to be in their cellphone "bubble". They are totally unaware that they are surrounded by people or vehicles. You hear some strange loud conversations. It can get really weird. I heard something like this. "Hey Linda, I am at Walmart. The boil on my ass broke last night and I am getting some medical stuff. Do you need anything? Beano and four cartons of Depends? Hold on a second. I have to turn down the volume on the speaker phone."

Don't they know there are other people in the area? I guess not.

Someone actually walked across my back on the beach while talking on a cell phone.

I shouted "HEY!!!" Wow, did I get a dirty look for interrupting his conversation.

I have heard of instances where they have rang in court rooms, church, in the doctor's office despite the signs that tell you to turn off your cellphone or do not use it. People ignore it.

Wouldn't it be ironic if a person smashed into a phone booth while talking on a cellphone. It won't happen. There aren't many phone booths left to smash a vehicle into. I have seen cars go over a curb with a woman talking on the phone. She didn't signal for a turn. How could she? She only had two hands. I could go on endlessly about how good manners went out the window in the age of the cellphone. But lets talk about my cellphone.

We got our first cellphone for an emergency. It was a cheap Tracfone made by Nokia.

It actually worked pretty good. The problem started with the voice mail. People were leaving messages on our voice mail and using up our minutes. This was happening many times a day. They would tell to call "Nigel in Liverpool for a very important message." We tried to track who was making these calls with no success. They were just eating up our minutes with bogus phone calls. We never got to speak to anyone and our minutes disappeared. After our minutes were gone we put the hammer to the Tracfone.

One day we thought; we need a phone for an emergency situation. No voice mail. We bought a Tracfone. This time it was made by Motorola. It took an act of god to activate it.

We talked to customer support in Honduras, Indonesia, Nepal and Bolivia. The Bolivians were helpful. they said, "What were you thinking, buying another Tracfone?"

I told them I couldn't find a network. They told me to go out, stand on my roof and face northeast. IT WORKED!!!...

The other problem is the batteries stay charged for only 7 minutes. Then it starts saying things like, "help me! help me! I'm dying." I am a problem solver. I ran an extension cord from the bedroom to the roof. It is on continuous life support. IT WORKED.

Life is good.

Wait a minute. Do I hear the cellphone ringing? We have a tin roof!!!! It's raining!!!!

This better be important. Be right back.