I see live people. (surrounded by family)

Whitney Houston will not be mentioned.

 I tried to have a Merry Christmas.  It didn’t happen.  I read my hometown newspaper online every day of the week.  Many of my friends and peers are mentioned in the newspaper lately. Sadly, it was in the obituaries: Ron, Jack, Barb, Dottie, and George.

I played little league with Ron and Jack. We graduated the same year. Dotty was also a classmate.  Barb was a good friend, but a year ahead of me in school.  George was a friend and at one time, my landlord.  They all died in a three week period around Christmas.

Yikes!  

Life is a cycle, thus it stands to reason that I should prepare myself as best I can. Since I spent 9 months in a fetal position before I was born I decided to prepare for my impending life event before it was too late. 

I decided to get into a fetal position and wait my turn and ponder whether death is a life event. 

I waited....and waited.

Nothing happened!!.....hmmmm.

Perhaps I should rethink my situation. I will read their obituaries again and see if I can see a common thread that may have contributed to their unfortunate demise.

Ok....They were old. 

Well, I am not young but I certainly don’t feel old. I have a few dings, mostly chiming in my ears.

Yes, maybe occasionally I have achey body parts. Yes, I do need a computer, abacus, and a slide ruler to keep track of my medication. Yes, I am older than all of them. I am older than dirt.

I guess I can eliminate the olditude as a cause.

Maybe it was their location on the map that did them in.  

Nope, they were all over the place on the map.

Perhaps they were not feeling well. 

That’s it!

Luckily I feel fine.

Oh yeah,  Everybody has a little twinge of something going on in their body.  

Ummm...Does projectile vomiting and fainting 7 times in one day qualify as a little twinge? I have always been a fainter.  I like to refer to them as unscheduled naps.

I think it is my medication.  I may have to get it adjusttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt....

Huh...oh...I’m back.  I think I just fainted. 

Something really bothers me about obituaries. They are real downers for everyone.

Read some obituaries. There is a lot of room for creative writing. 

George's obit was so grand, that one would have to rate his departure in the magnitude of importance somewhere between the death of Thomas Jefferson and the crucifiction of Jesus. George was a talented special guy, for sure.  It was well written and I think he got the praise he deserved.  It was wonderful to see that he was appreciated by his loved ones. George had a great obituary.

There are phrases in obits that I really find annoying.

"Surrounded by family and friends": When you are lying in bed, taking a nap and family and friends start surrounding you, get out of there or you will be dead soon. 

"He/she died peacefully":  Really? I am going out kicking, screaming and carrying on like mad dog. There will be nothing peaceful about it.  (whewww! I think I am going to faint)

Someone said obituaries would be much more interesting if it told how the person died.

"Mary Agnes Smith passed away today while texting a naked picture of herself while driving her Mini Cooper under an 18 wheel semi.  She was surrounded by her car."  

That is more interesting.

I stopped going to funerals and wakes.  I just hate it when the mourner try to say something nice about a deceased jerk.

• He had a unique personality.  (He was nasty to everyone. Even the Pope wanted to slap him.)

• He really knew how to paint the town. (Town drunk)

• He will be missed. (Especially at the local taverns and county jail)

• He was a real family man.  (Yeah...eleven kids by five different women)

• Everyone loved her. (Especially men and on a regular basis for a small fee.)

• He/she died doing what he/she loved. (Drinking, taking drugs)

• She looks so natural. (Thank God, it's a closed casket.)

I guess I will have to move forward.  It isn't my time yet.  I actually have high hopes of a long life.  My annuity won't run out until 2066.  

I will be celebrating my 124th birthday that year.  You are invited to my party.  My mind will be as sharp as an unused guillotine. Some of my other parts may be a tad on the dull side. Please bring a gift accordingly. 

Some useful suggestions:  Prunes, Depends, Viagra, some doo wop music, fixodent, orthopedic socks, orthopedic shoes, orthopedic truss, orthopedic back brace, 16x reading glasses. hearing aids,  a life time subscription to AARP or two months worth; whichever last longest.  

I am good with Reader's Digest.   I am subscribed to that magazine until the year 2073.  After that they graciously gave me a free subscription for the rest of my life.

Do you think I should shorten up my annuity?  I have been feeling really goooooooooooo....

d lately. 

I'm back. What happened?

Where was I? Who was I?

The Wizardry of Oz

I'm off to see the wizard.

Recently the little French Lady and I have become more health conscious.  In keeping with this theme I adjusted my 401K to reflect my expected living age to 110 years old.   Now I must do something in the health department to facilitate my expectations. 

My wife adjusted her 401K to the age of 101 so we could die at approximately the same day.

We both decided that Doctor Oz seems to have a lot of ideas on how to stay healthy. We started saving his TV show on our DVR.  This seemed like a really great plan.  I read a couple of his  "YOU" books and they seemed quite confusing so I assumed he knew what he was talking about.  

He is often quoted in Reader's Digest, The New York Times, Mad Magazine and the Daily Worker, so we had a sense that he had some credibility.

After two months of Doctor Oz,  I must confess that I feel the same as I did before I started watching his program and taking his advice.  

I do have a very healthy refrigerator heavily stocked with Shiritake noodles, baked kelp, cauliflower smoothies, a 5 gallon of some very virginal olive oil, 14 avocados, 50 pounds of walnuts, and a Swanson Fried Chicken TV dinner.  

We haven't eaten at home in 5 weeks.  I cannot even look into the refrigerator without gagging.

On top of our dining room table is our food supplements.   We have so many supplements on our table that we have to eat standing up.  We have our pills  organized by morning, noon and night.  

We spend our first hour taking the morning pills.  We spend the next half hour trying to keep them down.  Those fish oil burps are wicked.  I am sure glad we got the burp-less ones.  Same routine at noon and night.

This morning I had an eppiffery which is very much like an epiphany only much less insightful.

This Oz thing is a little weird.  

Monday he says 6 cups of coffee in the morning is good for you. So Monday I drank six cups of coffee and walked around in a highly excited stupor which is a bit of an oxymoron but that is how I felt.

  

Tuesday he says coffee is really not that good for you.  So I threw all of our coffee away and again we both walked in a state of high agitation and low stupor, bumping into each other, and at the same time going through coffee withdrawal.  A tough day.

Wednesday he says coffee in moderation is good for you.  I don't have any coffee left in the house, and I am still going through coffee withdrawal.   I swore at my neighbors, threw rocks at their dogs,  put poop on their doorstep.(mine ...not the dogs!!)  I am having another tough day.

Thursday (Today)...

I am watching Doctor Oz show this morning. Constipated and cranky.  He has someone's gizzard on a table.  He is putting on some blue gloves on, he is squeezing the gizzard.  Something is oozing. Yuk!! I am glad I did not turn up the sound.

I just took my supplements for the day.  I followed his recommendations. It takes me about 20 minutes to take my pills.

My Omega 3,  Calcium, Quercetin, Cinnamon, garlic, Xalatan, Timalol, Lumigan, Simvastatin, hydrochlorothyazide, my memory medicine (I forgot what it's called) Tricor, Damnitol (an anti anger medication), Methimozale (Chantal just told me it is for Wilson's ears. TOO LATE! ).

I just took a blue pill,  I am not sure if it is Aleve or Viagra, I will find out soon.

Lint-begone (to prevent the accumulation of lint in my navel), Scrotumizer ( to keep that buffy shine on my scrotum: recommended by Doctor Oz!!...??) and Preparation H, some round pill to make me start pooping, a square pill to make me stop pooping. It had a letter E on it.  That may have been a scrabble tile.  

I am confused.

I think I am going to give up something.

I think it will be Doctor Oz.

Hurry up, Brain...My body is waiting.

It was a dark and stormy night.  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

There!!!!

My English teacher said you should try to grab your readers right from the start.  It worked for Bulwer-Lytton and Charles Dickens.  It will work for me.  I actually tried to fit Hemingway into this but saying, "Did the earth move for thee?" did not seem to fit into the introduction.  My English teacher would be so proud.

So much for introductions.  Let's move on. 

This is for all of you who tuned in late.

My name is Jonathan Hemlock.  But not really... this is a fake name.

I try to write blogs that have a beginning, middle and end.  My English teacher also mentioned that.  I want my blog to be original and quirky.  A wry little story about life as you get older.

"Getting older beats the alternative."

The thing about getting older is that your body knows but your mind is usually eight to ten years behind.  That is why I have pain medication.  I try to do things I did in 1973.  I can still do a one and a half back flip off a diving board.  I am sure of it.  

I can barely walk down the street without falling off the curb but I believe I can run a hundred yard dash in under a minute. I say fifteen seconds.  I am sure of it.

I probably could do ten or twelve pull-ups if I didn't have a torn rotator cuff.  I am sure of it.

I  thought about training for a half marathon.  I probably could win my age category if my hips, back and shoulder did not hurt so much.  I am sure of it.

This is my current mindset.  There is a lot of things going on in your body that you are not ready to accept.  Just the other morning my wife said to me, "Your loud snoring kept me awake half the night."  My response was, "Really? I kept you awake? How long have I been snoring?"   Her quick reply was, "Since 1993!!!!"  That's odd! I never heard a thing.

The body is like a finely tuned automobile. My mind tells me that I have a Rolls Royce but I went to my mechanic at the health clinic recently and he told me I have an Edsel.

I noticed a few quirky things.  When I enter a building ... or even plan to enter a building, I always have to check out where the restrooms are. This is very important as you get older.  We have two and a half bathrooms in our townhouse.  A good thing.  In the morning all of them will be in use.  Wilson will use the half bath as his personal water supply.  The initials IBM have a totally different meaning now.  IBM means Impending Bowel Movement.  I can't imagine living in a place with one bathroom.  I shudder.

I also noticed something about flatulence.  In my youth it was something we did for amusement.  We had total control over this.  It was like burping.  Something the guys did to amuse each other.  Who ever burped or farted the loudest or the longest was a person to be envied.  At some point, like in your early twenties, you mature and stop doing it for amusement.  This is something you control, more or less.  But then you realize you don't control it so you try to be discreet.  You try to find open space.  You run to an open field. You avoid places that have echoes.  You blame it on the cat. You adjust your life... then you get old.  

The rules change again.  Now you are afraid to pass gas.  There is a degree of uncertainty involved in this endeavor.  This is why older people are cranky.

There are other issues involved in olditude.

When I was growing up I thought old people smelled funny.  I am now "old people".  Do I smell funny?  My wife tells me I smell just fine.  She is starting to be "old people". Should I trust her opinion?  I don't dare walk up to a young lady at Walmart and say, "Do I smell old?".

Your other senses start to diminish.  You don't know you smell old.  My sense of smell has gotten so bad that my neighbors call me when Wilson's litter needs to be changed.  I can eat a Limburger sandwich and a glass of sour milk while I change the litter.  I'm guessing that my sense of taste is diminishing also.

My sense of hearing is not as keen as it used to be.  I learned to compensate.  I learned a few tricks from my dad who had the misfortune of being too close to numerous dynamite blast in the mines.  

An example of my dad's bad hearing would be: I would say, "My sense of hearing is not as keen as it used to be."  My dad would say, "My fence of fearing snot as bean looses bees? What does that mean?" It made for some comical non-sequiturs, but it was also very frustrating.  He would never admit that he had a hearing problem.  We just didn't talk loud enough or there was too much background noise.  He had trouble accepting his aged hearing.  I guess the acorn did not fall far from the mighty oak in that respect.  I will try to make a better transition, or as my father would say," I will dry and bake a letter transmissions?"

As a person gets older it gets more difficult to sleep unless you are watching your favorite television program on the couch. Then it will take about ninety seconds to fall asleep. Why is that?
Someone told me to count sheep.  It would make you sleep.  I tried it.  Guess what?  It didn't work.  The damn sheep kept moving.  I had to keep starting over.  I was getting really annoyed with those sheep.  I decided I would sheer the sheep for their wool.  That way I could keep track of who was counted and who wasn't.  This would have worked except I started to get allergic to wool.  So I would wake up exhausted and itchy.
My wife has a similar problem.  She can hear crickets farting at three o'clock in the morning. She has extremely keen hearing except when I am talking to her. After I repeat something three times she will then demand I write it on paper.  Then she scolds me about my bad handwriting.
Yeah....Penmanship does not get better with age either.  I now write like a doctor does a prescription.  So now we just email each other.  This does not make for good dinner conversation. But...we have documentation.

There are other things that just don't make sense anymore.

• The hair on my ears is growing faster than the hair on my head.
• A young whippersnapper is someone under sixty.
• The diaper aisle at the pharmacy has as many diapers for adults as for infants.
• Television..(kata...boomm!) grams hav...(kata...boommm!) a lot of backgro..(boom...boom) background..(boom...boom!!) noi..(boom!..boom!) noise.  Am I the only (boom...kata..boom!!) person this...(boom!..kataboom!) annoys, Dr Phil? (Kata...boom!!)
• My television has I about seven thousand channels. Why is there only about five good programs on television?  Why isn't one of them "The Codger Channel?"
• Jennifer Lopez looks like a teenager and I yearn to see Betty White's cleavage. She's hot.  I am not well.
• If I am not snoring my wife puts a mirror under my nose too see if I am still alive.  So far so good. 
• One of our neighbors is so old that she was friends with (and outlived) people who had streets named after them.  She called the "Robert Grissom Parkway" The Bob!!!! A personal friend of hers.  That's old.

I have a lot more questions, but this is a good start.  Now I can go read my book.  My book?  I don't remember where I put my book.
Someone told me yesterday that memory is the second thing to go.  That person told me what the first thing to go was.  I can't remember who told me that and what he/she said.
If you are reading this, call me.  Whoever you are.  I need to know.
Hmm...What do I need to know?

Olditude (what to pack for your seniority.)

Inside every old person there is a young Person wondering what to hell happened?

Life is good. The problem is it is backwards. Woody Allen wrote something that totally makes sense. It is called "Next Life"

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

I am going the wrong direction.

I knew I was in trouble when I got lost in a potato maze.

This is not good. I love puzzles. I may have to take a GPS with me the next time, if there is a next time. How can a person get lost in a potato maze?

The person who said these are "The Golden Years" obviously died before he/she reached 50.

Let's see what George Carlin had to say about it.

George Carlin's View On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a littlekid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How to Stay Young:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

and finally..a little test.

A quick test to determine your true age!

Count how many of the following you remember

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!