The Death of Colt Brandisher?

Writers block solved

It has been a while since I wrote anything about my fictional character, Colt Brandisher. 

For those people who tuned in late, he is a problem solving, creative minded, skirt chasing, Clint Eastwood type detective who has managed to get himself into a rather large predicament.  A bullet was hurdling at Colt's head at a rather fast speed when I last checked in with him. 

He has such a small brain that a bullet would not kill him, but the ricocheting inside the skull would do him in.

Actually Colt is more like Stuart Woods favorite, occasionally slow witted detective, Stone Barrington.

Stone Barrington is the type of detective that walks in dog poop and tries to figure out where the smell is coming from.  He always figures it out after about an hour.  He always solves the problem.  

Colt isn't nearly as clever.  People have told him that he has shitty shoes.  He thinks they are talking about the shoe style. 

I asked for Stuart Woods' help. I emailed him to describe my dilemma.  

He answered, " You got yourself into this, get yourself out."

I came to the decision that Colt must die.  It is the only solution. Thanks, Stuart.

Colt Brandisher will be replaced by his gay twin brother, Rock Brandisher, named in honor of Rock Hudson. (a man's man....both figuratively and literally.)

This will give me a lot of writing fodder.  I can describe the death of Colt Brandisher and develop my new character, Rock.

Rock Brandisher, gay detective.  

How can I incorporate all I know about gay people into my new character?

• Rock's apartment is decorated in mauve and puce.
• He listens only to Bette Midler and Judy Garland music.
• His favorite comedian is Kathy Griffin.
• He enjoys reading Truman Capote's books.
• His favorite playwright is Tennessee Williams.
• He hates women.
• He votes for Obama.
• His favorite talk show host is Rachel Maddow.
• He has a closet full of women's clothing.  He likes to cross dress.
• He likes to go to the park next to the elementary school and eats his lunch.  He always carries a pocket full of candy with him.
• He hangs out at gay bars only.
• He knows he is going to burn in hell so he is very promiscuous.
• He knows his problem can be fixed but will not get treatment.

The little French lady is looking over my shoulder.  I hear a loud gasp and an utterance that sounded very much like "WTF?"

"What?" I queried.

Wife: "You don't know much about gay people, do you?"

Me: "Just what I learned from Rick Santorum, the Westboro Baptist Church and the boys in 5th grade."

Wife: "Do you know you're very close to a Nazi?"

Me: "You're a Nazi?"

Wife: "No, no, fool!..I mean you are portraying gay people with myths and false stereotypes which is very close to being a Nazi or... a Republican candidate for president."

Me: "And your point is?....."

Wife: "Didn't you grow up with any gay people in your school?"

Me: "No, There were no gay people in my school. A few switched teams later on in life but no one was gay in my school. Students were not allowed to be gay.  It was their choice to switch later on.  I think they are mentally ill or it doubled their chance of getting a date on Saturday night. Only the teachers were allowed to be gay at my school."

Wife:"How many students switched teams later? Bucko!"

Me: Oh...let me see.  There was Sherman, Clarise, Ricky, Wendell, Rod, Tony,...Tony?...O...M...G...!!  I put my arm around Tony in football huddle once and I patted him on the ass after he scored a winning touchdown. Holy hat! I am one of them.  I didn't know that.  I just outed myself.  I never kissed Tony, I swear. Well, maybe a little peck on the cheek. No tongue involvement.  Oh, wait, I didn't do that. Forget that!"

Wife: "Hold on, dimple cheeks. You're not gay. I have it from a pretty reliable source. Your little French Lady...me!.....Ummm.....Tony?...What?"

Me: Really? Wow! That was close.  I thought I had just switched teams.

Wife: "People don't really switch teams. They just don't accept it at first.  They want to be like everybody else. Tell me more about this Tony thing."

Me: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything. What are you telling me? Am I supposed to believe Rick Santorum, Republican candidate for President, The Pope, a candidate for sainthood, Mitt Romney, who thinks being gay is a choice and it can be fixed by prayer and a lobotomy or....you?"

Wife: "Me!!!! All that stuff you wrote about your character, Rock, is crap. Who's Tony?" 

My wife knows a lot of stuff. I will trust her on this one.  She keeps asking about Tony. What's up with that? 

So I am back to the drawing board.  Maybe Colt will live.  Perhaps he will have a gay twin brother.  I am so confused. Perhaps a female version of Colt.  I could call her Rockette.  No, that's not working. Writer's block again? Yeah.

Well, at least I'm not gay.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. "Right, Tony?"

Stuart Woods to the rescue....not!!!!

Writer's block?

Prologue: Stuart Woods is a world famous writer of mystery novels.  He wrote the book "Chiefs" which was made into a television miniseries.  He has written over 40 books.

He is a nifty guy.

I am a blogger.  I had writers block, of a sort.  I figured Stuart could help me.  I emailed him.  My email is below.

Greetings Stuart,

Help me!

I am a blogger.  I have created a character named Colt Brandisher.  I have developed a life for him.  He has a car. (1957 Citroen)  a girl friend, (Candida Goldblatt), a job, (city defective....detective.) and friends.  I have blogged my writing process.

After much introspection and thoughtI have modeled Colt after your character, Stone Barrington.

I had considered John Sandford’s character Lucas Davenport, however Colt was not too keen on spending time in Minneapolis, eating at Subway, and reassembling frozen corpses that went through a stump shredder.  He did like the idea of the Porsche but I told him Stone had a Mercedes Benz.  I also mentioned that Lucas had serious mental problems.  He suffers from depression and is afraid of flying, whereas Stone Barrington doesn’t seem to have a care in the world and lives in nice places like New York, Washington, Connecticut and frequents Palm Beach and Key West.

I believe you have enough background information.  Here is my problem.

I started writing a story on one of my blogs. I seem to have painted myself into a proverbial corner.

It seems that Colt will die in the first paragraph.

:

“Colt heard the cacophonous sounds of tree frogs croaking their maudlin symphony as the leaden projectile zoomed towards his head. Ironic, he thought. he would be croaking very shortly also. The high functioning brain that currently had the appearance of freshly cooked cauliflower would soon resemble half cooked turnip, perhaps mash potatoes, but certainly not cauliflower.

Colt thought of frogs. He liked frog legs. He would not have a chance to eat them again.

In fact, they would probably be feasting on his legs very soon.

"What!!!!...why am I thinking about food? I am milliseconds from death."

They say your life passes in front of you when death is imminent. Colt's life did pass in front of him. It was a boring life. He had some time left so he started thinking about food.”

Stuart, Do you see my problem? Help me!!

Now I want to talk a bit about Stone Barrington.  

He seems to take way too many naps. perhaps he should consider sleeping at night, if you catch my drift.

It seems no woman can get close to him without dropping her knickers, which makes me wonder, “What kind of aftershave is this guy using?”

Stuart,......This guy is a slut.  

Does he use protection?  He already has one unplanned love child. It is miraculous this guy doesn’t have herpes.  Stone better step up.  Right now he is acting like a democrat politician.  The difference is: a democratic politician can’t keep their pants zipped up and the Republicans can’t keep their mouth zipped up.

Well, I hope you can help me save Colt.  He is such a nice guy.  I don’t want him cut down in his prime.  

If we can get this issue resolved we will meet in Delano, Georgia at your place.  We will invite Lucas Davenport.   we will have one of Stone’s female friend can cook us up some steaks, served with a bottle of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam. (Colt will bring it with him) and then we will repair to the study and drink brandy and smoke cigars. 

Colt will pass on the cigars. He doesn’t smoke. However if your cook will bake some cannibas brownies Colt would be glad to partake of the brownies.  He has glaucoma.

This would be considered medicine in many states.

Perhaps It would be wise to serve some peperoni with that.  A few hundred slices, a couple boxes of ritz crackers (fat free)  and a few pounds of Cabot cheese.  Maybe a few litres of Pepsi or Coke. 

We will celebrates Colts resurrection.

Thanks Stuart.

PS: I live in SC.  I was going to Georgia for a photo layout of “The Girls of Delano” for Playboy magazine.  I have read about their beauty in your books.  I couldn’t find the girls.  I couldn’t find Delano.

I think we should meet somewhere and discuss this.  How about Elaine’s? Late?

Epilogue: Stuart answered me within an hour on his iphone. His reply was, "You got yourself into this; get yourself out."

At first I was crushed that he didn't help me.  I thought about this for a few minutes and realized That was the answer.  He really did give me the answer.  I will get myself out of this. Thanks,Stuart!!!

Ironically, nobody will be going to Elaine's in New York City.  Elaine Kaufman died in December 2010 and it closed in late May 2011. One of Stuart Woods favorite spots. It is an end of an era.

An Idea whose time has come.

I have always enjoyed blogging and writing. At this point in my life I have decided to take a break from my "Colt Brandisher" series, which I have referred to on previous blogs. My next installment on that series will actually be my first installment. It is a work in progress.

I have decided to put my energy into an endeavor that is much more essential.

An endeavor my father seemed to be obsessed with in the last few years of his life.

This idea has the potential for a vast market in the non-fiction field of literature. The interest may be high enough to push the bible out of first place in book sales. I have done my market research and it is a subject everybody seems to talk about, especially senior citizens.

While younger people talk about it indiscreet hush tones while older people talk about it openly, brazenly and constantly.

Since the "Baby Boomers" of the late 40's and early 50's are now becoming the senior citizen the market is fraught and inundated with potential buyers of this book.

No, I am not talking about a healthcare plan. I am talking about something more urgent and immediate.

Yes, I am talking about #2: taking a dump, Kaka, poop, to defecate. In fact, in the slang dictionary it has 127 entries.

There are thousands of books on cooking and recipes, which are will refer to uploading but there are very few on downloading.

I am running a few ideas through my head. I will need a catchy title. Something that will not offend peoples sensibilities. I leaning toward, "Drop a Deuce Diaries" or "The Scoop on Poop." but any good suggestions will be welcomed.

I have started doing my research. My main source is on the Internet. Any additional information or topics that may be covered:

• Two ply versus four ply
• On the roll (inside or out)

Any help in my literary adventure will be appreciated.

Your name will be mentioned prominently at the Pulitzer Prize ceremony. I am not sure if I will be allowed to mention you at the Nobel Prize for literature. I will keep you posted. I am not sure about the Academy Awards. I suppose it depends on their adaptation of my book.

This is really an idea whose time has come.

My Nobel prize is in the mail.

The Coltmobile

My world has been turned upside down. Things are getting a little weird in the world.

The Nobel peace prize for Barack Obama? Hmmmm.

Did I miss something in the news about Iraq and Afghanistan? Must be.

This means I will be hearing from the Nobel committee in the Literature category. It could happen. I haven't had anything published but Barack has not made any peace so I guess my chances of hearing from the Nobel committee are quite good.

I suspect the Nobel committee will refer to my unpublished "Colt Brandisher" series.

Actually my unwritten and unpublished series. Untitled, I might add.

Perhaps I can tie up some loose ends today.

Did I mention anything about Candida Goldblatt? Well....She's good lookin!!!

The Title Thingee

Perhaps I could do something like the author Sue Grafton. A is for....whatever. B is forsomething. No? X is for what, Sue?

How about something like Lillian Jackson Braun series, The Cat who .....whatever! buried his feces, meowed all night, Farted...take your pick. No? (My cat does all these things.)

How about a series along the lines of John Sandford. His prey series. How aboutChurch Prey or Bird of Prey. No?

Wow, This is difficult. Martha Truman wrote about Murder at series...Murder at the White House. Murder at the FBI. I could go with Murder at the Outhouse, etc..No?

What if I used every state in the union. I would like to get sex in the title. How aboutPray for Sex in Alabama. I think I am getting close but the title sounds too "Baptist".

I think I am getting close.

Character description

Sometimes you can tell more about a character by the car he/she drives or some other gimmick. Do you remember Columbo? He had a nifty vehicle and a raincoat. A characters personal quirks. What do they drive? what do they drink? Eat? Those personal little touches that make him unique.

Perhaps I could have Colt drive a 1957 Citroen that is pulling a pop-up trailer. His Ex-wife got everything. Too quirky? perhaps I could have him dress strange. Maybe wear his boxer shorts on the outside. Nah! Why would he do that? Remember, If that trend starts, you heard it here first.

No, He is going to look like me/Clint Eastwood. That will make him quirky enough.

He will drive a 1957 Citroen. That is good. Perhaps I can give him a strange hobby for a guy. Maybe he could be a knitter. You know.....knit one, pearl two...whatever...No? How about Pinochle master? ...No, better yet. a scrabble master. He will go around muttering, " 192 points on the word antiqued, can you believe it?" over and over. This is from my own personal experience. 192 pts. on that word and I did mutter that for six months. It is mentioned reverent and hushed terms in our house. I'm the reverent one. My wife tells me she doesn't want to hear any more about it. That is where the hushed part comes into play. I probably should not have taken a picture of it and framed it.

Colt is a fussy eater. No pepsi and milk like Laverne and Shirley. He wants his Beer shaken not stirred. He doesn't like the taste of Martinis. He will not eat olives. His pancakes have to be square. They must be trimmed while cooking.

Quirky? Yeeaaahh!

I think this is going well. I should have enough for the Nobel committee. I believe I have positioned myself to be a top candidate now. I think I have positioned myself better than Barack did for the Nobel peace prize. I could be wrong......Nah!!!

writing the great american mystery novel (part deux)

The Return of Colt Brandisher.

I have decided to write my first mystery. I have found through research that the key to capturing the reader is usually in the first paragraph and I surely did not want to start with; "It was a dark and stormy night." So let the writing commence. I will walk "my public" through the writing process. 100 years from now they will not have to ask; "how did he write this classic?"

Hmm! OK!...Here goes...!!!! RED: (The process) white: (The Novel)

Brutus, the feisty wolf pup, frolicked in the zoo enclosure on Christmas morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she munched on what looked like a pile of beefsteak tomatoes rimmed with cottage cheese. packages and toys were scattered about. Sadly it was not tomatoes. it was not cottage cheese.

It was Santa Claus.

It's my job to figure out what happen. I'm a cop." (so far...so good.)

I got my idea for my great American novel from reading two books at the same time.

I was reading "Dewey, the Library Cat" and "Santa Fe Rules" by Stuart Woods.

My wife asked me what I was reading and I was a little confused and I told her that Dewey was a cat that murdered someone in the Santa Fe Library. I had the two stories mixed together. back to my story.

Hmmm! I am going to google "The detective name generator".

Wow! There is a detective name generator.

It is a toss up between Hollis Truslow and Delmar Spurger. perhaps I could use the original name I thought of in Part I. Colt Brandisher. I like it. I must have a female love interest for Colt. I am leaning towards the names: Candida Goldblatt, Lotus Blossom Finkelstein or Lucretia Shellhammer. I think I will go with Lotus Blossom Finklestein. She will be of mixed ethnicity. Japanese mom, Jewish dad, but was raised a Zen Baptist.

"The names Brandisher, Colt Brandisher, Inspector Colt Brandisher, Police Inspector Colt Brandisher, City Police".

He flashes his badge for a millisecond. He didn't want anyone to know that he had lost his original badge and purchased a "Frontier Town Amusement Park" badge on the internet.

"Everyone step back. Let me through. Has this guy been ID'ed yet?" Female detective Candida Goldblatt, the hottest detective on the force, perhaps in the city, stepped forward.

"Still having those hot flashes, Candida?" " Ya...I think I am going through my changes....Damn, I am only 27 years old."

This may explain why she was wearing a tube top and short shorts. or perhaps she was on a vice stake out when the call came in.

"The guys name is Claus. I checked his ID. He has a rap sheet a mile long. mostly breaking and entering. I think he is a sex offender also. He tries to get children to sit on his lap and ask them to "Go for a sleigh ride". He has got stuck in numerous chimneys, has been accuses of animal abuse. He once pinched a reindeer so hard on the nose that it got all red. He tells the reindeer that they can fly and he makes them jump off the roof. He has delivered weapons to children. This guy is a real sicko."

"Yup, were lucky to have this guy off the streets." They just arrested his wife for aiding and abetting. They also booked her on Elf abuse and possession of stolen property. she had these little guys working for her in the basement. no breaks, worked 7 days a week. They never went anywhere. The DA thinks they are from Bosnia or Cambodia.

Illegals for sure."

"What about the mayor? What's he think?" Brandisher queried.

"Oh, He got a $400 haircut and a Spanish translation book and went for a walk on the Appalachian Trail. You could ask his wife what she thinks. She's home."

"Well, let's wrap up the crime scene and go for Christmas dinner."

I am a little stuck on moving forward. If anyone has ANY suggestions to break this plot blockage please let me know. I would like this novel on the street by Christmas...I think.

help me!!!

Things I will need help with:

• plot
• Character description of " Colt" , Candida(She's good lookin!!!)
• middle
• End