A Squirrel's Tale (tail?)

Oh nuts!!!!...and fruits!!!!

Leonard and Sheldon are two squirrels who visit my bird feeder on a daily basis. A daily basis? I should say on an hourly basis.

I am at wits end.

I know! I know! A short trip!!!

I have tried everything. They are winning!!!!

They get on my patio, hop up the 3 steps, stand in front of the sliding glass doors and taunt my cat, Wilson. Wilson is furious. He is a bird watcher. They chase the birds away.

They feed hourly at my squirrel proof bird feeder.

I open the sliding doors and they flee. I should say they fly. They are getting really good at this flying thing. I am afraid I am teaching them how to fly. They are flying a good 10-12 feet in the air and clinging to the tree. I am hoping they will make a mistake and not put their furry little heads down, hit their head on the tree and render themselves unconscious. I would put them in a cage and I would taunt them.

sadly, it never happens.

If I sit out on the patio they will sit in the tree and make awful sounds. I assume they are doing the squirrel equivalent to swearing.

I purchased something that has cayenne peppers in it. It is suppose to keep squirrels away from the feeder. Leonard and Sheldon love it but it almost blinded me.

When I was putting it in the "SQUIRREL PROOF BIRD FEEDER", the wind came up and blew it in my eyes, up my nose, in my mouth, all over. At that point I was begging for someone to "just kill me now.....please...please...please". No one did.

I have tinkered with idea of hooking up some electricity to the bird feeder and giving them a shock when they get on the feeder. Somehow I feel that I will be the one getting the shock or the next day they will show up with rubber gloves and wire cutters and destroy my work.

I am starting to feel like Wile E. Coyote.

My neighbor caught a couple of squirrels in humane traps. He took the time to drive them to North Carolina and release them. He should not have stopped for that cup of coffee.

The squirrels were back before he was.

Well at least he didn't end up like my other neighbor, Mary Margaret O'Callahan.

Mary Margaret has started calling herself, Thermodora the Warrior Princess and squirrel slayer.

She wears a thong and a bra, a plastic tiara and a BB gun now.

She shot a squirrel with the BB gun. It didn't do much damage to the squirrel but now she is on a mission. She mumbles, giggles and twitches quite a bit. She walks around the neighborhood in her outfit saying, " Hey squirrel, I got something for ya."

Nobody will report her. The women are afraid of her because she is armed and the men think she is "kinda good lookin".

I can see the road I may be going if I do not revise my thinking.

HMMM!

I have finally decided to make peace with Leonard and Sheldon.

Yes, this will give me peace of mind. I will do this. After all, they are only doing what they were put on this earth to do. I don't want to end up like my neighbors. It is the natural order of life. I should embrace this concept. I should embrace Leonard and Sheldon. Yes, embrace.....(twitch)...them. Embrace them VERY HARD.

Squeeze the life out of them. (twitch)

I must deny these rodentia of MY air, MY space!!!!(hee!hee!)

Olditude (what to pack for your seniority.)

Inside every old person there is a young Person wondering what to hell happened?

Life is good. The problem is it is backwards. Woody Allen wrote something that totally makes sense. It is called "Next Life"

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

I am going the wrong direction.

I knew I was in trouble when I got lost in a potato maze.

This is not good. I love puzzles. I may have to take a GPS with me the next time, if there is a next time. How can a person get lost in a potato maze?

The person who said these are "The Golden Years" obviously died before he/she reached 50.

Let's see what George Carlin had to say about it.

George Carlin's View On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a littlekid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

How to Stay Young:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

and finally..a little test.

A quick test to determine your true age!

Count how many of the following you remember

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

a second opinion

Misadventures in Living Healthy

I went to my doctor's appointment a few days ago. We chatted about various subjects including my health. He is very chatty and I was his first appointment of the day. Things seem to go really well. I scheduled my next appointment.

On the way home I was reviewing my conversation with the doctor. I knew my wife would ask me how things went at the doctors. Then I remembered!!!!!!......He asked me if I wanted to be buried or cremated.......WHAT!!!!!!

Yikes!!!!...I must have missed something.

My wife ask me the same question a few weeks ago.

Should I be looking for some real estate about 6x6x6 with a nice overhanging oak nearby.

Maybe I should get a third opinion or change doctors. I asked my doctor for a second opinion and he said ,"Ok, Your ugly too!!!" This was not comforting.

I asked him what I had? He said, "A big ugly nose with hair coming out of it, crooked teeth and bushy eyebrows."

I told him that the teeth were dentures. The dentist design them crooked. He said it matched my face and personality.

"No! No! I am talking about my health." " Ok!!!Ok!!!! I'll take another look, stand up, please."

That really annoyed me because I was standing up......

Yeah!!!...I will be looking for another doctor. This guy didn't have a good bed side manner. I asked him if I could get some viagra. He said, "No, The best I can do for you is have the receptionist give you a hernia exam." which she did.

Doctor's visit aside, my thinking is that I am feeling fine so I think I will be having an accident. Hmmm! I guess I will have to change my underwear every day.

I have had two already this week. I knocked myself out while changing the litter. It wasn't the smell.

There is a shelf above the litterbox. When I stood up I hit my head on the corner of the shelf and rendered myself senseless. When I regained my senses, my cat, Wilson was giving me a dirty look. He probably was wondering why I was sleeping with my head in his litterbox.

No major brain damage to me, but then who would know. My wife thinks I am about ready for an assisted living facility. Some times I am.

The previous day from my litterbox accident I got my elbow skin caught in the crease of the folding door. I had my hands full so I pushed on the door with my elbow. I pushed in a bad spot. right in the fold. The door fold closed on the skin of my elbow.

ouch!!! ouch!!!

Before that, someone tried to back over me at Sam's Club.

Well...I'm lying. He actually backed into my cart of groceries. I was standing between the groceries and the car trunk. Ouch!....I think I have two spleens now.

This morning I wanted to go out front and trim the hedge in front of our condo. My wife just shook her head. She had a vision of me with a hedge trimmer.

She just said, "Why don't you save me all the suspense. Go get some sharp knives, put them in your pocket, put some scissors in your mouth, soak your self in gasoline, light up a cigarette and jump off the balcony."

This upset me. She knows I don't smoke.

I haven't smoked since I set the car on fire when I threw my cigarette out the front window. How did I know it reenter the vehicle through the back window? How did I know that it would smolder then burst into flame?

Well, my Uncle Pete could have told me. He was sitting in the back seat making sure that the gas for the lawn mower didn't tip over.

I think Uncle Pete just likes adventure. He is the same guy who came to my house when my pipes froze. He came to thaw them out. We got into the crawl space and started heating the pipes. After a couple of minutes of heating the copper tubing he turned to me and said, "Hmmm, these are the wrong pipes I have been heating. This is the propane pipe. I should be thawing the water line."

A second opinion would have been nice about two minutes ago.

This is what you might call a "defining moment" of your life. This seemed like a rather significant oversight.

Does the words: Fried, crispy critter, self immolation for non religious purposes, have any significants to you, Uncle Pete?

Uncle Pete says,"We better get out of here. I smell something funny."

Well....Yeah!!....I just crapped my pants.

People Like me, they really do!

My internet friends

I have been kind of busy lately. I am trying to catch up on my email. unlike some people I answer all my email.

Well, let's see what we have here:

I have another letter from my friend, Mikey. He lives in Nigeria. His real name is Barrister Michael Okubu. We are pen pals. email pen pals.

He has a very important job over there. He gives Americans money. He just needs a little help from me. Money for postage, envelopes, paper clips, internet connections, guns,...guns?

He tells me that my last check was confiscated by crooked officials of the US government and should send another check for $1500. He insist on a cashiers check this time.

CONSIDER IT DONE!!!!!

My next email is from Tiffany Titetush. She is asking me if I would like a breast enhancement.

No thanks, Tiffany! I noticed mine were getting larger with age. I might be interested in a manbra.

My next email is from my friend, Newton Goosebee.

He hasn't ask me a question in six years. He just sends "forwards". this is one of those chain letters. If I don't forward it with 20 names added, either a penis will grow out of my forehead or 5 Jehovah Witnesses will try to get me to subscribe to Watchtower.

This is considered communication in his world, He also included 150 of his closest friends in his email. I hope none of his friends are ill....and have.....A VIRUS!!!!!

Maybe I will forward this on. I am not interested in religious material. SENT!!!!!

My next email is from Bink off Amerika. Wow! They made a few mistakes on their email. The must have a new employee.

Well anyway.....They want me to verify my social security number and my bank account number to make sure it is correct. Then they will tell me that it has been verified..........Okey....dokey............DONE!!!

The next email is from Tea Party. They would like a contribution to the "Replace Sarah Palin with Tina Fey" committee. Yes....I believe I will contribute to that.

My next email is also from the Tea Party. They would like me to contribute to the "Send Obama back to his homeland" committee. This group emails me every day.

My next email is once again from the Tea Party. It is a news letter. They would like everyone over sixty two to be executed unless they are employed. (delete)

The next one is from a colon cleansing company. They do house calls. The company is called "Friend or enema?". catchy...but I will pass...I mean...decline.

The next email is from the "National Do not call Registry". Now they are emailing me. I had to get a restraining order to get them to stop calling me. They would call and say, " Are you happy with our service? Could you do a survey? It will only take 45 minutes." I did the survey every day for a week. enough is enough. Now they want me to do a survey on line.

Next email...I have been chosen to be a secret shopper.

Next email is from the "Free Lindsay Lohan Committee." They want money.

Everybody just wants to enrich me and make me all better. I have so many internet friends.

I am moved to tears.

OH! Do I hear the door bell.

Yes...I do!

Be right back..........I'm back!!!

Wow!...What a deal I just made with a couple of guys. They are going to paint my house and blacktop my driveway for $800 cash. I just gave them the money. They are getting their tools.

Hmmm! They started up their truck. Of course...They would have to move it out of the driveway. They are going to park it beside the road.

Hmmm! They don't have to park it that far away. That will certainly be a long walk back for them.

Hey, They are out of sight.

Hmmmm!

I stood there and waved goodbye to $800.

I think I will go back to my internet email. At least I will be doing business with people I trust.

Excuse me....I will just sit here and age quietly, if that's Ok with you.

I decided not to go quietly!!!

I am starting a support group.

It seems obvious to me that these young whippersnappers (people under 60) are conspiring against us. They are changing everything I care about. I want everything to be like the late 50's.

These revisionist must be democrats. A Tea Party Republican would like to return us to the year 1773. (The year of the original tea party.) A moderate Republican would return us to 1957. A year when everything was perfect. (If you had white skin!)

Eisenhower was president. Everything was under control.

School was wonderful. Does anyone remember the nuclear fire drills. The area I lived in was 50 miles from a SAC base, which was surrounded by missile bases with atomic warheads. Would this area be a target? Oh, We wouldn't get a direct hit. We would have the slow lingering death. but crawling under my desk was very comforting.

The male teachers wore suits and neckties...except the gym coach. The teachers could beat you up, hit you with heavy wooden objects (my sixth grade teacher did that) or shoot projectiles at you. (my fourth grade teacher did that.), put a dunce cap on you and sit you in a corner. (all my teachers did that.) I went through elementary school thinking I had a pointed head. I got out of the corner long enough in sixth grade to realize I had a vision problem.

I often tell people that fourth grade was the best three years of my life. You get to meet new girls every year. I was older and more "worldly and sophisticated".

No one left behind? hah, If you didn't repeat a grade at my school you were considered a genius.

I was in Kindergarten twice.

Things have changed.

YOU ARE OLD IF.......

• You remember the ugly gym uniforms that girls wore. (ouch!!!)
• It took five minutes for the TV to warm up and it looked like a snow storm.
• The stations were not on 24/7. I should say station. Not plural.
• On Saturday morning you would leave your house at 830 AM with a sandwich and fifteen cents, a baseball bat and glove, play baseball for 8 hours, and return home at 4 PM for supper. your mother knew where you were. She called 954j2 and said send little Jonathan home. It is time for supper.
• Yes, the phone numbers were strange. no dials on the phone...It was just like the Andy Griffith Show. (Sarah, Could you get me Aunt Bee?....Sarah, Could you get me Juanita at the Diner?...or you just gave the strange numbers...When dials came along, the numbers always started with WIlson 9-4578.
• Another strange thing about the phones: Party lines!!! You had to share the line with some one else. If you pick up the phone and somebody is talking, you could either listen, hang up, or tell them to get off the line.
• The houses had one bathroom. Time and bowel management was a must. All personal hygiene things were in one room. Ironically...our house has two and a half bathroom. Even the cat has a bathroom. Wilson thinks the toilet is his personal drinking area. He thinks it is tastier out of the toilet.
• The person who designed the bathroom in our new house did not have a realistic grasp of toilet usage. I have a vanity that is about 7 feet long with a sink, but the toilet and tub/shower are in a very small space. The space is so small that you can't take a #2 with comfort. Maybe a one and five eighths, but #2....No!! It is so small that when I get out of the shower I have to stand in the toilet to open the bathroom door.
• Do you know who Dale Evans is? What was her horses name? If you know this you are older than dirt.
• You have chewed Blackjack, Clove or Teaberry gum? NOTE: I have found a place where you can still buy this and jujubees too.
• The worse things you could get from the opposite sex was a cold or flu.
• Hitchhiking was not dangerous.
• If you weren't smart enough to pass your grade, you repeated it.
• If you weren't good enough to make the baseball team, too bad for you. Find something you could do well.
• September 24th, 1960...A day that will live in infamy. Howdy Doody went off the air. Will there ever be anything worth watching on TV again? (sniff..sniff....Dick Who?...Dick Clark?...American Bandstand...? Justine Corelli and Bob Clayton?...Goodbye Howdy....Helloooooo Justine!!!
• I still get misty eyed when I watch a couple do the jitterbug, when I hear the Platters sing "Only You", an aqua green and white 57 Chevy pass me by, I burst into tears when I see a bug eyed Austin Healy Sprite. (my first car).
• We had "Friday Night Lights.....in the 50's, not many high school teams did. It is a tradition that continues. It is something I miss very much.
• Now if you will excuse me, I have to go rate a record on American Bandstand....Hmmm.....It's got a good beat, but I am having trouble dancing to it. What is the name of that song? Ambrose...Part 5. Am I the only one that remembers that song?...Song?
• This week I have seen a lot of butt cleavage. The weird thing is that It was all female butt cleavage. It wasn't the plumber guy 38DD butt cleavage. No, It was the 32B female butt cleavage. When I grew up, only Tradesmen with beer bellies and Levi low riders would show butt cleavage. My wife says, "Wow, How things have changed." I just said, "yeah." I hope she didn't notice the big smile on my face.

English Things....

Headline: Queen is now a great grandmother.

Yikes!!!! Can someone pull the plug on that gene pool?

I am sure the family is gathered around little prince or princess and cooing and making funny faces at the kid. I am sure the kid is screaming because the people's faces are scaring him. He doesn't realize this is his destiny.

The Royal family is plain looking. The problem is the don't know it. They think they look great.

How else could you explain Prince Charles...the guy with the dumbo ears, dumping the gorgeous Princess Di? The explanation is: He thought she was funny looking. She doesn't look...like...us.

So he goes out and finds someone who looks like his mom or Aunt Maggie or Margaret Thatcher.

This mindset is similar to African tribes who put hockey pucks in their upper lips or ear lobes, necklaces that stretch the neck...or like Chinese women who had their feet bound. In upper class England ugly is considered beautiful.

I have concluded that the house of Windsor has done more to advance Darwin's theories than any bit of research or genetic theory ever put forth. It appears that the royal family has encouraged this form of "natural selection".

I think it all started when Charles Darwin went to Sweden and then Spain. He saw the royal families of both countries. He came back and did a paper and told other scientist, " Hey, the Queen of Sweden is a hot chick and those Spanish Princesses and Queen are gorgeous babes."

His colleagues jump up and hollered, " heresy...infidel..fool."

He showed pictures. His colleagues said, " You lie!!!!...photoshop...those are common people." His theories are not accepted by the royal family of English....TO THIS VERY DAY!!!!

While I am on the subject of English food....haggis?....blood pudding?...Kidney pie?...tripe?...curried goat brain?

Most countries eat stuff like pork lions, steak, chicken. not the English. They will wait outside of a slaughterhouse for hummingbird gizzards, skunk lungs, beaver intestines, or some other British delicacy. It will be served with an ugly veggie like deep fried turnip or baked brussel sprouts. Did I mention the piss warm ale?

I am sure there arm some tasty foods in England with the infusion of immigrants into the country. Something like linguine with a hummingbird gizzard sauce with a touch of rosemary. It is slowly moving in the right direction.

I cringe when I think about the American revolution. What if we had lost?

Joan Rivers, Rosie O'Donnell and Tory Spelling would be the ideal looking babe.

Spaghetti, pizza, and peanut butter sandwiches would be eaten in secret. Lawyers would wear wigs (that's not a bad idea). Everybody would be forced to move to Seattle so we could experience English like weather. Beauty schools and barbers would go out of business. You would have to go to Mexico to see a Dentist. Amy Winehouse posters would be everywhere. Big ears would be very fashionable.

I think the royal family should wear Burkas. The men should grow facial hair. Yes, they all should become Muslims.

Wow, I am sure glad we won, and none too soon I might add.

Don't get me started on the dogs of England.

YIKES!!!!!!

We are not morning people.

Misadventures without Caffeine

My wife and I are not morning people. We will go to great length to avoid anything or anyone until we have two cups of strong coffee slapping our nervous system.

People who have been to our home before coffee refer to us as "the zombies" and have referred to our home as the "Tomb of the living dead."

I inherited my malmorningness from my mother. When I was growing up my mother and I would fight over the morning paper. It was more glaring, grunting and scowling, not really fighting. There was no meaningful conversation except for the word "Done?"

This was our whole conversation. She was basically saying, " You better be done with that paper or I will grab you, snake you across that table and pry that newspaper out of your dirty little fingers." We would exchange sections of the news.

She was actually a darn good mother as long as she had her newspaper, coffee and no conversation until the coffee kicked in.

My wife understands this concept. She is very similar, but I am several levels higher in the malmorningness. In fact I have done some strange things before the coffee kicks in.

I have told my neighbor Scott to get off my lawn in my most intimidating Clint Eastwood voice. I don't have a lawn.

I have chased someone who had a "Jesus" license plate all the way to Wilmington, NC. It wasn't the second coming. False alarm!

I had my foot run over by a celebrity in 1970. I went to one of his concerts in 2006 and mentioned it to him. He said, "That was you?"....He remembered me...after 36 years.

I have accused Andy Rooney of being too frivolous, lighthearted, and happy.

I have accidentally stuffed chicken gizzards up my butt. I thought my insides were falling out. The fact is my wife tossed the chicken innards in the toilet after she cleaned up the chicken. Who knew?

My wife put a mirror under my nose once. she wanted to see if I was still breathing. I was asleep.

I once told a Jehovah's witness to go away because I was busy sacrificing a virgin.

I threaten to move to Ecuador because I thought it would be warm and I have relatives there. I haven't seen the relatives in 51 years.

I told people a squirrelly person is a creative person. If you don't think squirrels are creative buy a squirrel free bird feeder.

One of our squirrellier morning incident happen a few weeks ago.

My wife and I had to be at a store early one morning. We thought it would be a good idea to have breakfast out. (before coffee!!!!)

Danger!!!Danger...Will Robinson...Danger!!!!

Everything went well during the meal. My wife said she was going to the bathroom. I paid the check. I thought I had better go to the men's room.

I proceeded to the men's room. I went to the urinal closest to the stalls. I proceeded to go about my business. I looked right to the foot in the stall.

My thought Process:Wow! a lot of people are wearing "Dawgs". I have a pair just like that and so does my wife. Pink dawgs? In the Men's room?...wait a minute!!!!! Am I in the men's room? (bear in mind that I am standing at a urinal.)...Oh yeah..umm...I am in the men's room.

Oh my god!!...Yup....It's her.

The sound of a toilet flushing and the door unlocking. She washes her hands. My wife walks out and glances my way and smiles and then says, "Oh my god" and she hurries out of the bathroom. A man came in and mumbled something,

I heard her say something on the other side of the door. I finish my transaction at the urinal, washed my hands and left.

Wife's thought process: "messy ladies room!!!!! smelly!!!!....(exiting)Hmmm! That guy has a nice butt!!!(me!!!)...just the kind I like ....guy?.....ladies room?....urinals...husband?....Oh....my.....god!!!!

I asked later what she said to the man on the other side of the door. Her reply was, "I had to think quickly so I said, "State Health Inspector!!!....What a mess that toilet is."

We burst out laughing every time we drive by Denny's. I have a nice butt, I might add.

The coffee kicked in a little late but it was worth it.