The Real Me (Philosophically speaking)

 Philosophy: You would think someone with my mental acumen and wit would follow the philosophical thoughts of someone such as Sir Isaac Newton (The inventor of gravity and those tasty fig cookies) or some other profound thought processors such as Socrates, Aristotle or Ozzie Osborne.  

But, no!!! 

My philosophical admirations lean towards Garfield, Bugs Bunny, or the Pink Panther. While it is true that they are fictional cartoon characters, they embody the things in life that are important to me if only in a proverbial sense.

Garfield’s simple philosophical homilies can be wrapped in one statement which cuts right through the philosophical posturing and one-upsmanship by stating: “ Show me a good mouser and I will show you a cat with bad breath.”

On the other hand, Bugs often will ask the Philosophical Query, “What’s up, Doc?”  

 It is such a simple statement.  Yet, it cuts through the pretentiousness of current philosophical thought.

The Pink Panther? I just like the skip in his step.

Incidentally, my wife just told me that Isaac Newton did not invent gravity.  Hmmm! He must have improved it.  She said that an apple fell on his head and he started spouting stuff about gravity.

My wife also stated that the only thing that would have any significant mental impact on me would be an anvil falling on my head. I am not sure what she means.

This is the Philosophy of life.

Life is not fair. In fact it is kind of hairy.

Once again I realize life is not fair. (see photo) 

If I walk around town with this hair style I would be sent to a nursing home, restrained and medicated heavily  and deservedly so, I might add.

Some mornings I get out of  bed, walk to the mirror, look at my hair and cringe.

I spend the next fifteen or twenty minutes combing, brushing, wetting it down, trying to find the part, try to make it straight.

I am glad my hair is only about a half inch long on top. 

I move down to my eyebrows.

My eyebrows grow faster than the hair on my head and they have no idea which direction to grow.

I often comment about Andy Rooney's eyebrows. I make comments like, "Doesn't he have a mirror or a friend?" 

The thing is, Andy knows about his eyebrows. It is one of his signature features.

I was clueless. This is often the case with me.

One Sunday night after Sixty Minutes and several eyebrow comments my wife said something about people with glass houses should not throw rocks, whatever that means.

I also have hairy ears.  I am thinking of getting my ears waxed.

My nose seems to have issues . strange hair growth there too.

I tried to grow a mustache once. bad idea. I looked like Hitler.  That was not the look I was going for. People were either staring at me or giving me one of those funny salutes.

I also tried a beard. After five weeks I gave up.  It looked like I had the mange. Maybe I did.

The weird thing is I have almost no hair on my chest. 

The last time I counted there were five.  I had six.  one fell off.  I saved it. 

I think it is a chest hair.  I think it is mine.

My internet caregivers....NOT

I am just checking my email. I am so glad that people care about me and are actually watching out for me.  I have been offered millions of dollars if I will send Barrister Michael in Nigeria a sum of $23,000  so he can pay the financial charges so millions can be released.  He will split it with me.  Where do I sign up for this, Mikey?  I will receive this money just in time to accept that email offer to get my colon cleaned. 

I will not be accepting the offer to have my breast enlarged since I am a man. I don't care much for man boobs. The offer for dates with black women is also out.  I discussed it with my wife and she said no.

Bogus Bank and Trust Company wanted me to verify my bank account this morning. All they needed was my social security number and my bank account number to verify my account.  I will be getting back to them this afternoon.

My next email is from my friend.  It is the form of a prayer. She tells me I have send her email to a hundred and twenty  four of my closest friends. If I don't It will mean I will get a boil on my ass for every person short of one twenty four and I will also burn in hell.  

So far I am up to ninety one people.

My next email: well, I just took thirty nine minutes opening forwards of forwards and the end is not in sight. I think I will give up on this one. I hope it wasn't important.

The email heading made me kinda nervous.  Something about "a matter of life and death".