Truffles, Trifles and Truth

Recently, a series of events has occurred that has profoundly affected my normal day to day life. Since this all happened in a period of two weeks, it took over my life.

First, I put off getting my flu shot. This gave me plenty of "down" time. I caught the flu.

The thing about the flu is; at first you are afraid you are going to die, after a couple days of it, you are afraid your not going to die.

The second week of the flu is not so bad. You have adjusted your life to being waited on for your every need. The fact is, you start to expect it.

The second event happen when I was lying on the couch with my laptop and my favorite blanket. (The faux fur throw). I had a message from someone on "Classmates" who remembered me from high school. I remembered this lady that we will call "Betty" since that was her name. She was a studious girl who wore the hoop skirts w/poodle and the frilly blouses. She was a very quiet girl and did not seem to be part of any clique.

The third event occurred while I was reading Ann Rule's book, "Heart Full of Lies."

It was about this woman who had numerous talents but her best talent seemed to be deceiving people. If she told her friends that she could fly, they would believe her. They would just take her word for it.

This got me thinking.

The fourth event was when I got a notification by email that my blog had been picked as a "Top Blog Award", which is pretty nifty. I actually got a gift certificate with it. I guess that makes me a "Professional" now.

The convergence of these events at the intersection of Happy Highway and Arrogance Avenue sent my down a strange and winding road until I got to that Cul de sac known as reality.

As I started to feel better I decided I would answer "Betty" using what I had learned about life in the last couple weeks.

The letter went something like this:

Hello Betty,

It was good to hear from you. (I barely remember you)

Much has changed in my life.

(Yeah, I got a lot older over the last fifty years.)

After graduation from high school I went to Connecticut and entered Yale.

(Every day I worked in the university billing department for 14 years, but you don't have to know that.)

After I left Yale, I headed to Germany, a lovely country.

(yes, The base the Army sent me wasn't all the gorgeous, I might add.) When I came back to the states, I came into some money.

(I won my lawsuit).

In recent years I have been writing, mostly fiction.

(In fact, this very minute I am writing fiction)

I am also an award winning writer.

(I have the $20 gift certificate to prove it.)

I have been interrupted, Betty. My manservant, Parker, has asked me if you iron the back of american money first, or the front. We don't want to burn Salmon P. Chase's whiskers, so I told him to google it.

(Hah!....should I mention my Red Mercedes convertible?...Naw. I don't want to be pretentious).

I have to go now, Betty. So cherish this because you will never hear from me again.

(I think she will buy into this!!!!)

Since I sent this to Betty, I have been a difficult person. I started to believe it myself.

The other day at the hardware I asked the clerk if she knew who I was? At that very moment my wife gave me a dirty look and a shot to the ribs with her elbow.

The clerk said, " You're the man with the broken ribs."

The other afternoon at a local restaurant I demanded truffles from France. The waitperson said they cost about $1500 a pound. "That's expensive chocolate." I said.

French Truffles are not chocolate, I was told. It is a fungus that certain pigs can smell.

Wow! A few years back I paid that much to get rid of a fungus. I cancelled my truffles order. I settled for a twinkie.

Well, fame is fleeting. This morning life was back to normal. me too! The first thing I did....which will ground you pretty quickly is...to clean up some type of feces on the common area front lawn. Everybody in the area was just kind of staring at it. almost everyone has pets but they are all very small. This thing was huge. We took a vote.

Everyone finally agreed with me. It had to be a pony or a Saint Bernard that did it.

Funny thing is no one saw either a pony or a Saint Bernard in the area.

Oh! Wait a minute. Fame may not be fleeting. The phone is ringing. It may be my publisher....Do I have a publisher?

Fame Is An Elusive Thing.

I have had numerous brushes with fame.  I actually know someone who knew Anna Nicole Smith personally.  I guess that makes me an acquaintance of Anna Nicole.

 The list goes on and on.  I went to a Hermans Hermit's concert in Bridgeport CT in 1965.  I also went to a Hermans Hermit's concert in Vermont in 2005.  after the concert my wife and I got in line so Peter Noone could autograph a CD.  As he signed, he would shoot the breeze with people.

When it was my turn I told him I was at his concert in Bridgeport in 1965.  He said it was a memorable concert because his limo ran over someone.  My faced brightened. "That was me."  we had a connection.

I had another brush with fame in Bridgeport CT.  I went to a nightspot  called "Bill's Castle".  It had  some talent there on Friday nights.  One night they had a singer named Johnny Bennett.  I was told it was Tony Bennett's brother.  When he went to the men's room I followed him.  He used the urinal.  I used the same urinal. I even grabbed one of the pubic hairs.  I believed it belong to Johnny. I saved it for years.  I told people that I used the same urinal as Tony Bennett's brothers. I showed them the pubic hair.  I was almost a celebrity by proxy.

I found out a couple of years ago that Tony Bennett's brother died when Tony was ten years old.   hmmm!  Don't do the math. 

When I was into photography in Vermont,  I thought it would be interesting to take pictures of what people had in their refrigerators.  It was a photographic essay of sorts. Since I lived in Addison County in Vermont I called it "The Fridges of Addison County".  I sent it to a publisher.  He said people weren't interested in what was in a person's icebox.  But he said he liked the title.  A few years later "The Bridges of Madison County" came out.  A best seller.  An Eastwood movie.  I think that fridges are more interesting.  

If my wife could remember names I would know a lot of celebrities.  We will be out walking somewhere in some big city and all of the sudden she say, "We just walked by the guy that married the woman with the big teeth and he is a singer and she is a singer.  He sings a duet with her called mockingbird but now they are divorced and he lost most of his hair."

I'll say "James Taylor? Where?" 

He will be long gone.  She never forgets a face or remembers a name.  I think I missed Elvis several times because of this.

She will say things like, "I wonder why that guy who sings Heartbreak Hotel was getting his gas there?" 

I got even.  One time I said " we just walked by the guy that sells the popcorn." 

she says,"Who cares about Colonel Saunders?"  I said, "No, It was Paul Newman."

Things like this just keep happening.  I am so close to fame I can taste it. but it eludes me.