Random thoughts on aging

I am truly confused about myself. I discovered yesterday that I am only interested in being a senior citizen when it is convenient for me. I can go from giddy when I get my senior citizen discount to deeply annoyed when the waitstaff doesn't even ask me if I am a senior citizen. They just look at me and give it to me.

My wife and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner. We had a great server/waitress. She was almost perfect. We received our food and drink very quickly. She was very discreet. she was not the type of waitress that will stop at your table 37 times and ask, "How is everything?" and we answer her while my food is flying into my wife's face.

"Leave us alone! we are trying to eat."

Our waitress discreetly gave us our check and said, "Your senior citizen discount has been calculated into your bill."

My wife turned to me and said, "What a great waitress. Give her a good tip."

I glared at my wife. "What?" she queried.

Me:"She just insulted you, that nasty hashhauling soup slinger."

Wife:"Huh??" Me: "She just called you old and you are a few years younger than I am and I am not old. I am sure my she is not aware that I have to get up five times a night to go to the bathroom. I am sure she doesn't know that I have to remember where I put my glasses and teeth . I do not look old."(Deep breath here) "sure I have a few dings. I have a few gray hairs but I don't do what old people do, but you....you must be falling apart.... and I am so close I haven't noticed. Kinda like you can't see the forest through the trees. I must take a step back."

Wife: "You have finally flipped...you demented coot".

After more delightful banter, I left the.....waitress a 20+% tip.

This is the way it has been going.

On my birthday, my wife and I went out to eat. There were three ladies have a great time nearby. It was mentioned that it was my birthday. They ask me how old I was. I told them and they said, "Happy Birthday." .....That's it!!!

They did not say: "Oh, don't lie to us. You are much younger." No!!!! Just..."Happy Birthday."

Six months earlier I got "carded" at a Dunkin Donut's to prove I was a senior citizen. Really!!! I haven't been back there.

Perhaps I should not make a big deal about the senior citizen tipping, but I think it is too late. I think it is beginning to affect my wife.

The last couple of days my wife has been acting like an old person.

She is chewing on something...but she actually has nothing in her mouth.

She goes to the pharmacy and looks for purple hair tints. she walks to shoe stores and buys slippers. I think I am losing her. She has aged overnight. I will know I have lost her if she starts talking and thinking about "poop". The is the ultimate telltale sign.

Incidentally, I have a good "poop" website if anybody is interested. It will tell you everything you want to know. Really.

Aging with grace and other lies

Where did the years go? I just filled out something on the internet where you have to put in your age. The day and the month were easy. It took me twenty minutes to scroll down to the year. The strange thing is; I feel pretty darn good. I mean if I don't make any quick movement and don't venture to far away from a toilet, I'm fine. In fact, I have my body functions so well in sync, I can make it to a toilet with milliseconds to spare.

I have taken good care of my body. I can usually walk without a limp. I can lift my left shoulder over my head. This is good for waving and stuff like that. My right arm is ok.

I mean it looks ok, just don't ask me to do anything with it such as lift. The fingers work fine. My sciatica doesn't bother much. My hips are feeling much better since I retired.

My head: I see fine out of my right eye. The eye drops twice a day keep the glaucoma at bay. My left eye, everything is a big smudge. right ear good, left ear; not so good.

The 3 pills a day keep my Cholesterol, BP, and Triglycerides at bay. So....I am really feeling great. This is par for the course for someone 67 years old.

Growing old is not for the young.

Different things matter when you get older. The senior citizen discount is one of them.

I earned it. I made it. My wife and I were regular customer at Dunkin Donuts. I always asked for the senior citizen discount. Then things changed. One day I put in our usual order and I again asked for senior citizen discount. The clerk had an attitude that day. She wanted proof that I was a senior citizen. she wanted to see my ID. Yup, I got carded to buy a donut. The discount age is 55. I was 66.

My Birthday. A good birthday. one could say a great birthday. It was perfect. an eventful day. well, it was almost perfect. The helicopter ride was great. The Aquarium was great. the companionship was wonderful. Things started to come unravelled at the restaurant. we had three ladies sitting at the next table. They seemed to be very talkative and really seemed to be enjoying themselves. laughing and carrying on. my wife told them it was my birthday. one of the ladies ask how old I was. I told them. They said Happy Birthday....That’s it!...They didn’t say “no,no impossible, you are much younger.” or, “oh stop it, If you are going to lie about your age, make it believable.” nothing like that, nothing...I cried myself to sleep that night.

Stuff like that gets me a little edgy. There are other things that are more alarming. I fell asleep in the chair last week. I woke up and my wife had a mirror under my nose. I asked her what she was doing. "I was checking to see if you were breathing." I was. a similar thing happen yesterday at the beach. I have the capability of holding my breath for a long time. I have often stayed under water for a while. The other day my wife yanked me by the hair and pulled my head up. She asked, "Are you OK?" I was.

The last incident was the most terrifying. I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs and slept on the couch. I got up in the middle of the night and went to the half bathroom. I did what I had to do, got up to flush, I checked to make sure everything came out ok. A person does that when they get older. Everything was not all right. Part of My intestines had come out and were in the toilet. I was overcome by panic. I stuffed my intestines back in me the best I could. Prolapse intestine. that's what it was. I hollered to my wife. Woke her and told her to call 911. She wanted to know what happen. I told her.

"You fool.!!! You just stuffed chicken gizzards up your butt. I forgot to flush them after I cleaned the chicken."

It took me two days, a mirror, a pair of plier, and ex-lax to get straightened out. "am I ok?" I am!