Aggravating Agatha

"Run, Agatha, Run!

"THE PROBLEM:"

I have this talkative neighbor, Agatha, who seems to be the world foremost authority. You name the subject, she has the truth....not an opinion, The TRUTH!!!
Oh, there is one exception.  She does not own a computer.  She refuses to own one.  Google is not in her vocabulary.  The only windows operating system she is aware of is made by Anderson. Apple Macintosh is only a tasty fruit to her.  To Agatha, IBM means impending bowel movement.

If I was forced to give her a political affiliation, I would label her somewhat to the right of Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck.
She yearns for days of the past. The twentieth century?....No!  Perhaps somewhere between the eleventh and nineteenth century would suit her fine. That is our Agatha.

We used to see her on the beach everyday.  We would try to engage her in normal conversation.  She will talk like a normal person for a while.  At some point in our dialogue her eyes would start twitching, her lips would start trembling, her pupils begin dilating then glaze over and perhaps roll into the back of her head. She groaned, shook her head.
My wife, (the little French Lady) and I were wondering if she as going to faint or she was having some kind of mystical sexual experience.  We were hoping for the latter.

Then she looked at us with total clarity and said, "Did you watch Rush Limbaugh today? He says congress should impeach Obama.  I think he is right.  Glen Beck thinks so too.
Everything that has happen since 1988 is Obama fault.  Our country is being run by a black foreigner.  He is letting "the blacks" take over the country.  The blacks...blah..blah. blah..blah Obama blah blah blah blah "the blacks"....blah..blah..blah?"
Spittle and drool roll down her face.

"Agatha, I have to go take a dump now, if you will excuse me." We walk way very fast.

"Whew,  I thought we would never get away.  Did you see that? She went into an altered state of consciousness. It was like she was transported to Limbaughland." the little french lady mused.
"Maybe she is one of those Tea peer's." the wife said thoughtfully. "One of those folks who drink Tea and pees a lot and complains about it?" I queried.
"Yeah...those."

After that we tried to avoid her.  If we saw her wandering on the beach and she was heading towards us, I would ask my wife, "How far can you swim underwater?" The usual answer was, "not far enough."
We had a problem. We needed a solution.

THE SOLUTION: Sometimes the solution just in front of you don't realize it immediately.
I was watching the news recently and President Obama was visiting Ireland.  It seems that his mother had Irish ancestry.  Interesting information.  I could be related to him since I am also since 3 out of 4 of my grandparents were Irish.  It is a small country.

Hmmm...wait a minute.  
I could tell Agatha that he is related to me.  I will have to make a history, a cover, just like a CIA agent....
I am his cousin..twice removed, whatever that means.  This could work.  Let's see what going to happen.

THE EXECUTION:  
I prepare my documentation (a photoshopped picture of Obama and me talking in the oval office) and  commence to strolling and trolling the beach.  I know it is a matter of time. This is like fishing.
On the third day of trolling strolling the beach Agatha spots us. She waves at us and we casually feign disinterest.  I flick my wrist casually towards her.  She is waving. I look at the little French lady and she shrugs and we keep walking away from her.

Now Ag is waving frantically with both hands and running towards us.  We are walking away from her but not very fast.  She finally catches up with us.
She is winded, but she runs pretty well for a 79 year old person with a heart condition.

"Oh...Hi Agatha.  When did you start jogging?  You have to be careful at your age. but I think it is wonderful that you are concerned about your health and have started jogging."
"I didn't think it was very healthy for you to fall asleep on the beach like you did yesterday."
"Carry on, don't let us stop you."

"Wait!!!...(gasp...huff) I not jogging.  I am trying (heavy breathing) to catch up with you and I wasn't sleeping on the beach yesterday.  I fainted while trying to catch up to you."

"Oh!...? So what's up?"
Agatha's lips started quivering, her right eye started twitching, the eyes..they dilated, her face became flush. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, apparently retrieving some bit of arcane Rush Limbaugh data from her memory bank.  She gasped, moaned, shook her head, then smiled.

"Did you hear what Obama did?"
She broke into a giggle now.
"Cousin Barry? what has he done now?" was my snappy rejoinder.

"Barry? who's Barry? I'm talking about Obama."
"Barry O'Bama.  That's what family calls him." I stated casually.
"No, No! I am talking about Barack Obama, that bad black president."
"Yeah, we're talking about the same guy.  My cousin Barry O'Bama, the President. The white Republicans are giving him a hard time. That guy."
"Some of you "whites" don't seem to like him."

I pause for effect.  It is time to set the hook.

"power to people. now let's have a stout and a potato."

"He's Irish, You know."

Now, I can see Agatha's mind spinning.
"He's black..."
"...Yeahhhh!...What's your point? Haven't you heard of Black Irish? Google it.
Oh, I'm sorry you can't, can you?"

I feigned pent up anger.
"Are you one of those colonialist who exploited our homeland? You white people!!! (said with righteous indignation)
"You whites are always doing that kinda crap. You made life hell for us black Irish during the potato famine, Agatha, Do you ever aks yourself if this is right?"
"You do?....You lie!!!!"

Agatha is slowly backing up.  she is nervous. I am jabbering incoherently. Spittle is flying from my lips. I am extolling the virtues of being Irish and black and how this knowledge has improved my basketball dribbling skills and the drinking of the beer afterwards.  she now is running.
"She's pretty fast for a 79 year old white woman with a folding chair and a backpack on her back."
I think I had her at "aks". The little french lady nodded. "Oui!"

"Have a lovely jog, Agatha!!!!"

The birthing of John McCain.

The fickle finger of fate intercedes!

In what can only be described as an ironic twist of fate, it has been found that John McCain, recent presidential candidate was actually born in Panama.

This discovery was made by the newly formed Coffee party. The "caffienist", as they prefer to be called, researched this thoroughly and found very little. They did find a few disjointed facts that does support their theory.

With a brillo pad size bit of imformation, they have knitted themselves a Humvee of a theory.

McCain was not born in the United States. This is a fact.

It is said that he was born in the Panama Canal Zone which was a protected territory of the U.S in 1936.

However, the coffee party has a witness that states that Mrs. McCain was partying heavily in the nearby town of San Jose Emelio Estevez with her husband, "Big Jack".

She gave birth to a boy named John in the home of Juanita Hernandez, which is outside the "Canal Zone".

This wasn't deemed a problem until "Big Jack" realized this could become a future problem. What if he wants to be President someday? "Big Jack" got busy.

"We will have some guy make a fake copy of the birth certificate." "Big Jack" stated.

"Why don't you just photoshop a birth certificate?" queried Mrs. McCain. "Big Jack's answer was, "It won't be invented for another 40 years, at least."

The Caffienist have this documented. It was also noted that it said....Certificate of Birth instead of Birth Certificate. It also looks like the name was written....Juan Gomez McCain, which clouds the issue even further.

As the Caffienist researched they became more alarmed.

They discovered:

During the Vietnamese war, John or Juan spent many years in a Prison camp. It is believed that Juan or John was "re-educated". The research will show that he is now referred to in the espionage business as a "mole".

The Cafe guys have a list of 51 North Vietnamese who will verify to this fact that he is a "mole". They have a list. We know about list. Joe McCarthy always had a bunch of them.

It has also been noted that Juan may have converted to Muslim. People who have been to his home said that he had muslim towels and a Persian rug.

"Explain that, Juan!!!!"

I must say that the Obama plan to surreptitiously get himself elected as president was a much better plan. Elaborate yet almost mistake free. It is quite a tricky thing to be born in Kenya and have your birth announcement in Honolulu the next day. the paperwork was well done. It was well set up. Now you only have to wait about 50 years and have the Kenyan muslim run for president. The rest is a piece of cake.

Bulletin: The cat’s out of the bag- President Obama is clearly bowing to this child.Just where do his loyalties lie? To the American people? Or to five-year-olds?

What? McCain lost?

Perhaps I should move on.....

Never mind.

The Mark Sanford "stimulate my package" trip to Argentina.

At one time I believed that my thought processes and problem solving skills were pretty good. Lately however I keep reading and seeing things that makes me question my thinking. Or perhaps it is just the spin doctors at work. I am starting to think public relations is one of the fields that there seems to be endless opportunities.

I would like to get one thing straight from the start.

I have been a registered Republican all my life. I voted in Republican primaries, not Democrats. I always thought the Democrats were too liberal. I was more conservative. I never liked the way the word "Democrat" sounded. I have been

a moderate middle of the road Republican. Since George Dubbaya was elected I have been nervous about the direction they are heading. In the last eight years things have deteriorated. Maybe the GOP needed a wake up call. Maybe they need a few years of Obama.

Perhaps they will have an "eppifory in their strawtiggery".

I think the Republican party, or at least their spokesbaffoon Rush Limbaugh, have lost touch with reality. Today he accuses Obama of being the reason that Gov. Duffus of South Carolina scurried off to Argentina for a while. He was so stressed out that his state would have to accept billions of dollars that he went to visit his girl friend in Argentina for stress release.

Rush, Old Buddy, I used to listen to you. I would still listen to William F. Buckley if he were alive. He was an articulate spokesman for conservative issues and values.

You are a babbler. Does your brain know what your mouth is saying?

You have had eight years of basking in the wake of Dubbaya's flotsam and jetsam.

Now that he is gone you suddenly know how to straighten out this country and what should be done to correct Obama's numerous mistakes.

Anyone that takes you seriously is obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer. You are the Nancy Grace of politics.

The spin doctors for our Governor: He went for a walk on the Appalachian Trail and he bumped his head. He woke up in Argentina in some girl's bed. yeah.....that's what happen. Argentina...yeah! We will send that up the flag pole and see who salute it. The "Mark Sanford stimulate my package trip" to Argentina.

Rush, that would have been more believable.

I can't stand Al Franken, but he was right.

And Mark Sanford is a skinny idiot. It's stimulus package, not stimulate my package.

Photo right: That is where I bumped my head. I remember that tree.

Signed:Mark Sanford (Extreme walker)