English Things....

Headline: Queen is now a great grandmother.

Yikes!!!! Can someone pull the plug on that gene pool?

I am sure the family is gathered around little prince or princess and cooing and making funny faces at the kid. I am sure the kid is screaming because the people's faces are scaring him. He doesn't realize this is his destiny.

The Royal family is plain looking. The problem is the don't know it. They think they look great.

How else could you explain Prince Charles...the guy with the dumbo ears, dumping the gorgeous Princess Di? The explanation is: He thought she was funny looking. She doesn't look...like...us.

So he goes out and finds someone who looks like his mom or Aunt Maggie or Margaret Thatcher.

This mindset is similar to African tribes who put hockey pucks in their upper lips or ear lobes, necklaces that stretch the neck...or like Chinese women who had their feet bound. In upper class England ugly is considered beautiful.

I have concluded that the house of Windsor has done more to advance Darwin's theories than any bit of research or genetic theory ever put forth. It appears that the royal family has encouraged this form of "natural selection".

I think it all started when Charles Darwin went to Sweden and then Spain. He saw the royal families of both countries. He came back and did a paper and told other scientist, " Hey, the Queen of Sweden is a hot chick and those Spanish Princesses and Queen are gorgeous babes."

His colleagues jump up and hollered, " heresy...infidel..fool."

He showed pictures. His colleagues said, " You lie!!!!...photoshop...those are common people." His theories are not accepted by the royal family of English....TO THIS VERY DAY!!!!

While I am on the subject of English food....haggis?....blood pudding?...Kidney pie?...tripe?...curried goat brain?

Most countries eat stuff like pork lions, steak, chicken. not the English. They will wait outside of a slaughterhouse for hummingbird gizzards, skunk lungs, beaver intestines, or some other British delicacy. It will be served with an ugly veggie like deep fried turnip or baked brussel sprouts. Did I mention the piss warm ale?

I am sure there arm some tasty foods in England with the infusion of immigrants into the country. Something like linguine with a hummingbird gizzard sauce with a touch of rosemary. It is slowly moving in the right direction.

I cringe when I think about the American revolution. What if we had lost?

Joan Rivers, Rosie O'Donnell and Tory Spelling would be the ideal looking babe.

Spaghetti, pizza, and peanut butter sandwiches would be eaten in secret. Lawyers would wear wigs (that's not a bad idea). Everybody would be forced to move to Seattle so we could experience English like weather. Beauty schools and barbers would go out of business. You would have to go to Mexico to see a Dentist. Amy Winehouse posters would be everywhere. Big ears would be very fashionable.

I think the royal family should wear Burkas. The men should grow facial hair. Yes, they all should become Muslims.

Wow, I am sure glad we won, and none too soon I might add.

Don't get me started on the dogs of England.

YIKES!!!!!!

We are not morning people.

Misadventures without Caffeine

My wife and I are not morning people. We will go to great length to avoid anything or anyone until we have two cups of strong coffee slapping our nervous system.

People who have been to our home before coffee refer to us as "the zombies" and have referred to our home as the "Tomb of the living dead."

I inherited my malmorningness from my mother. When I was growing up my mother and I would fight over the morning paper. It was more glaring, grunting and scowling, not really fighting. There was no meaningful conversation except for the word "Done?"

This was our whole conversation. She was basically saying, " You better be done with that paper or I will grab you, snake you across that table and pry that newspaper out of your dirty little fingers." We would exchange sections of the news.

She was actually a darn good mother as long as she had her newspaper, coffee and no conversation until the coffee kicked in.

My wife understands this concept. She is very similar, but I am several levels higher in the malmorningness. In fact I have done some strange things before the coffee kicks in.

I have told my neighbor Scott to get off my lawn in my most intimidating Clint Eastwood voice. I don't have a lawn.

I have chased someone who had a "Jesus" license plate all the way to Wilmington, NC. It wasn't the second coming. False alarm!

I had my foot run over by a celebrity in 1970. I went to one of his concerts in 2006 and mentioned it to him. He said, "That was you?"....He remembered me...after 36 years.

I have accused Andy Rooney of being too frivolous, lighthearted, and happy.

I have accidentally stuffed chicken gizzards up my butt. I thought my insides were falling out. The fact is my wife tossed the chicken innards in the toilet after she cleaned up the chicken. Who knew?

My wife put a mirror under my nose once. she wanted to see if I was still breathing. I was asleep.

I once told a Jehovah's witness to go away because I was busy sacrificing a virgin.

I threaten to move to Ecuador because I thought it would be warm and I have relatives there. I haven't seen the relatives in 51 years.

I told people a squirrelly person is a creative person. If you don't think squirrels are creative buy a squirrel free bird feeder.

One of our squirrellier morning incident happen a few weeks ago.

My wife and I had to be at a store early one morning. We thought it would be a good idea to have breakfast out. (before coffee!!!!)

Danger!!!Danger...Will Robinson...Danger!!!!

Everything went well during the meal. My wife said she was going to the bathroom. I paid the check. I thought I had better go to the men's room.

I proceeded to the men's room. I went to the urinal closest to the stalls. I proceeded to go about my business. I looked right to the foot in the stall.

My thought Process:Wow! a lot of people are wearing "Dawgs". I have a pair just like that and so does my wife. Pink dawgs? In the Men's room?...wait a minute!!!!! Am I in the men's room? (bear in mind that I am standing at a urinal.)...Oh yeah..umm...I am in the men's room.

Oh my god!!...Yup....It's her.

The sound of a toilet flushing and the door unlocking. She washes her hands. My wife walks out and glances my way and smiles and then says, "Oh my god" and she hurries out of the bathroom. A man came in and mumbled something,

I heard her say something on the other side of the door. I finish my transaction at the urinal, washed my hands and left.

Wife's thought process: "messy ladies room!!!!! smelly!!!!....(exiting)Hmmm! That guy has a nice butt!!!(me!!!)...just the kind I like ....guy?.....ladies room?....urinals...husband?....Oh....my.....god!!!!

I asked later what she said to the man on the other side of the door. Her reply was, "I had to think quickly so I said, "State Health Inspector!!!....What a mess that toilet is."

We burst out laughing every time we drive by Denny's. I have a nice butt, I might add.

The coffee kicked in a little late but it was worth it.

Truth embellishment tips for senior citizens

Welcome Senior citizens and other pathological liars.

It has been my experience through the years that if a person works diligently at it they can become a very accomplished truth embellisher. This is not to be confused with a truth varnisher. The difference seems obvious but I will define the difference.

A truth embellisher will either tell an humongous lie or expand the truth to the point where the truth is obscure.

A truth varnisher just lies, then lies again to make his previously lie more acceptable or believable. They are liars.

A perfect example of truth varnishing: During Obama's state of the Union speech, a colleague asked Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, when he was going to take his vacation. He hollered to his friend, " July".

Well, somehow that got interpreted as, "you lie". The rest is history. The democrats just tried to make Joe look bad. They varnished the truth.

You can also lie with statistic or at least varnish or embellish the truth. It is a known fact that 41.85% of statistics are made up on the spot.

• When caught in a lie or an embellishment feign stupidity. This is not a big leap for me.

• another good technique is to bluster profusely. If someone says the world is round tell them that is impossible. Have them show proof....immediately. How many people carry proof that the world is round. Wave your arms and yell "I told ya. No proof, huh?"

• If you are a senior citizen this gives you a free pass to say almost anything. When caught in your web of lies always feign confusion. You can walk in a circle counting your fingers. If this is not working take of your shoes and mutter, "This little piggy went to market."

• It always great fun to start a new urban legend. Did I tell you that I went to Burger Queen and I ordered a hot dog and a coke. There was a human penis in my roll and a dead rat floating in my Coke. My wife says the rat was doing the back stroke. Don't go to Burger Queen. They burnt my roll and they put onions on my pe....umm...hotdog and I didn't order onions.

• Another free pass to truth embellishment is to become a politician. This give you the right to say anything you feel like saying with the added bonus of doing whatever you feel like doing. This privilege is also reserved for professional athletes and bratty actresses.

• Another fun thing to do is tell total stranger outrageous things. I was walking on the beach one day and someone pointed to a jellyfish and asked what it was. I told them it was whale snot. It is also fun to give bad directions, advise on bad hotels, bad places to eat.

• Never overplay your embellishment. I told someone at work I was resigning from my position. My coworkers gave me a wonderful going away party. They took me to a great eatery, then to a fancy bar where I drank all evening and opened up "going away presents" and cards with money. I had the designated driver bring me to a strip club and then brought me home. I don't remember much about the last part with the lap dance and all but they told me I had a wonderful time. The thing is: I did not resign my job. So I made up a story quickly that I was "begged" to stay on. I was essential to the smooth operation of the company. I even mention something about a "raise". My coworkers eventually found out. Some of them didn't talk to me for a year and demanded their money and presents back.

Well, this should get you on the road to success at truth embellishment. For further information read my forthcoming book, "Whale Snot and other Urban Legends".

Catchy title, Huh?

The senior citizenship test

How to be cruel to old guys. (Above)

Recently my wife became a U.S. citizen. This requires a test and a hefty application fee.

After much though, I see this as an opportunity for the federal government to refill the Federal coffers.

Yes, It is time to make anyone over the age of 50 and 70 to take the "Senior Citizenship Test".

This will refill the government coffers and will keep out the riffraff from senior citizen events. They will be unable to be harassed by AARP like the rest of us. They will not be able to get the Dunkin Donuts 10% discount.

YOU WILL NOT BE ASKED TO SHOW ID AT DUNKIN DONUTS LIKE I WAS. (Wow!...I am trying to get over that one.....move on....move on.)"bastardos!!!"

It is my belief that it is far too easy to become a senior citizen, especially the first part.

The last part is a bit tougher. If you make it to 70 you are exempt.

The disenfranchised people between the age of 50 and 70 who cannot past the test we will call junior seniors. "jusers?"

The folks that come up with names like "birthers" will like "Jusers".

I can't wait for it to come out in the Urban Dictionary.

Juser: An American citizen who could not pass the Senior Citizenship test. It is short for junior senior.

There are certain things a senior MUST know.

Here are a few sample questions for the senior citizenship test.

1. You visit a mall. What is the first place you go? correct answer is: the restrooms.
2. You go to the doctor. What is the first thing you ask the nurse?: Where's the bathroom? Do you want me to pee in a bottle while I'm there?
3. You are invited to the neighbors party. What is required of the neighbor? sufficient amounts of toilet paper is the correct answer.
4. You move into a senior community. What is the first thing you ask your new neighbor? Can I borrow some denture cream is an acceptable answer? Can I borrow half a Viagra is not.
5. You are going out for the evening. Which would be a social blunder? A: saying the soup tasted like kaka B: wearing underwear on the outside C: peeing your pants D: Using the ladies room E: none of these. The correct answer is E. All of these are acceptable for a senior citizen.
6. You get your morning paper. What do you read first? Only correct answer is obituaries.
7. fill in the blank. Your____ weighs more than ____ pounds. correct answer is: A:cat or Chihuahua B: 35.
8. You have dreams about: A: sex B: Wild parties C: prunes. Prunes is the correct answer.
9. It's growing fast!!! What is it? A: your debt B: Your herb garden C: Your ear and nose hair. C again is the correct answer.
10. I buy it by the case. It is cool and soothing. What is it? The correct answer is preparation H.

Well, this will give you an idea how the questions will be directed.

Good luck.

MY annoying bucket list

I have heard people talking about their bucket list a lot lately. I guess this means "to die". I am guessing this comes from the expression "kick the bucket".

I find this expression highly disrespectful. I am kinda leaning towards " Dustbiters" myself. I could have Queen sing "Another one bites the dust." when they bring my body into the chapel. Then they would put a rocking chair at the altar. My wife would sit there. Two pallbearers would gently move the rocker back and forth to yet another Queen song, "We will rock you." and at the end of the services I would like to hear one of my favorite songs of the 50's. A song by the Del Vikings. It is titled "Come go with me."

Ah, three great funeral songs......but I digress.

We are talking about my bucket list or dustbiter bits, as I like to call them. I will stick to "Bucket list" for the sake of continuity.

First thing: My bucket list can only be spoken by Morgan Freeman. After I am finished with this little dissertation I plan on sending my list to Morgan to be recorded onto a CD.

This is only proper. He starred in the movie "Bucket list". It was either Morgan Freeman or Jack Nicholson. I like Morgan's voice.

THE LIST!!!

1. Ok, World travel is out. I have been two countries in the world. Canada and U.S., What else is there? I have seen a bunch of places in the movies and on television. Oh wait a minute. I wouldn't mind going to Charlotte Airport. They have nice rocking chairs there. I didn't really get a chance to sit in one. I had to catch a plane.
2. I would like to go to a mall that has good food.
3. Adopt some parents. My wife and I are both orphans. Her parents died at 75 and 82, mine died at 80 and 94.
4. Pretend to be from Latvia for a day. Speak gibberish. "sham alaka du?"
5. Do a nude painting. I usually paint with my clothes on. This will save a lot on clothing expenses.
6. Apply to go to Harvard. I will send my real transcript. I write once a week until they answer.
7. Get dentures for our cat. He has dental problems. We should not have fed him sweets when he was a kitten. (see! It's not ALL about me.)
8. Start calling guys names like Biff or Buck.
9. Be the founder of a group that protect earthworms. They contribute so much to our soil. what do they get for their trouble? Put on a fish hook!!!!! That's what! This really makes my blood boil. Did you ever look at their little faces? They are saying, " Just kill me now. This guy is crucifying me. He is sticking things in my body and teasing fish with my body."
10. Become a Hassidic Jew or a Amish. I really like there fashion sense.
11. Correct people who say, "I could care less." that means you still care. It should be," I couldn't care less."
12. Correct people who say, "I should have went" . It's "I should have gone".
13. Correct people who cannot pronounce a three letter word. Ask....not aks.
14. Get all those cartoon characters with speech problems into a Speech Therapist. That would be Donald Duck, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Sylvester, Roadrunner (Beep! beep is his total vocabulary).
15. Some of these characters have personal problems. Wily Coyote and Donald Duck need anger management. Donald Duck puts on a shirt but walks around bare-assed. This guy has some serious issues.
16. Some one told me I should have watched "Lost". Isn't that a lot like watching Gilligan's Island but not as funny?

This is a good start. I will be adding to my bucket list as time goes on.

The Spin Doctor is in!!! I am taking new clients.

My degree came in the mail today!!!!!

After reading the newspaper thoroughly for the last couple weeks, I decided it was time for me to come out of retirement.

I am needed. I can embellish the truth, spin it around, dress it all up and call it a fact. I can do this!!!

It is a well known fact: If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.

Tony Hayward, the chief executive under pressure to defend BP's record in America, has backtracked on early claims that the environmental impact of the spill was "very, very modest". (page 1)

Wow! This is easy.

He played down the extent of damage to Louisiana's coastline just 10 days ago, but yesterday admitted: "This is clearly an environmental catastrophe, there are no two ways about it."(page 9)

Let's give it another try.....because....If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth. (V. Lenin)

Sarah Palin has a new neighbor, Joe McGuinness. He's writing a book. The book is about....Sarah Palin. Glen Beck is not happy about this. What will Glen do? Burn some books? apparently "Fahrenheit 451" was not on his reading list. perhaps he was reading Goebbel's "The Power of Propaganda" (kindle edition, of course!!!) at the time, where it also said, "If you repeat a lie often enough it will become the truth."

Ok! I think I am getting the knack of this. Let's try a few.

• Obama was born in Kenya. Don't confuse me with facts.
• Paris Hilton is a highly intelligent virgin.
• World War II will now be referred to as, "That unpleasantness that happen in the mid twentieth century."
• Holocaust? never, never happen. a trick of the jewish media which controls Hollywood.
• Adolph Hitler? He gave us the Volkswagon. A misunderstood man we needed a fashion makeover. (Get rid of that mustache! Do something with your hair.)
• Rush Limbaugh is intelligent. OWWW! ("Did I just write that?")
• Denture cream is the new "Duck tape".
• JFK was faithful to Jackie.
• Billy Bob (You can call me Jeff!!) Clinton was faithful to Hil.
• Republican's are faithful to their wives. Ask Mark S. and Eliot S.
• If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.
• Democrats are concerned with the common man. right?...John Edwards and your $400 haircut.
• The World Trade Center was really done by the CIA to invoke hatred against the muslims.
• Elvis Presley is alive. He lives in a cabin in Montana. He is Anti-government and plans on overthrowing the government soon. He hasn't been the same since Nixon turned down his offer to help the government. He went off the deep end. Kinda like Glen Beck.
• There is a woman somewhere in Upstate New York that is wearing her dead sister's dentures. (Obamacare was too late.)
• Big business can be trusted. They are a better shepard of wealth and welfare. Business is heavily involved in watching out for the common man. "Isn't that right, Mr. Madoff?"
• If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes the truth.
• The Republicans and big business would never mislead us about health care.
• The country is being taken over by left wing radicals and socialist. I am totally against the government controlling my life. I will vote against any legislation that even hints of socialism. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to the mailbox and see if my Social Security check has arrived.

PS: Don't forget....If you repeat a lie often enough it becomes truth.

But seriously folks!!!

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

Lately I have come up with a lot of ideas for blogging. I just don't feel like writing about them right now. I don't have writer's block. I have writer's malaise. There are a lot of distractions in my life right now. I have eight blogs in the draft column right now.

Since I am in this minor fugue state, I will tell you about some people who think outside the box.

Some are serious and thought provoking sites. Some are humorous.

I will start with TED , a thought provoking site that presents some interesting ideas.

The next link has to do with the massive oil spill and an idea. Solution?

What do you think?

You will love this one. I will call it "reunion".

Some are just inspiring. Like "Harmonica Man".

Where is this girl from? She has an accent. This one is just fun.

A site for trivia junkies. Mental floss magazine. Interesting stuff.

Need a laugh? You fool!!!

The real "Rain Man", Kim Peek.

The man who remained quiet for 17 years. fascinating story.

I feel better. I hope you will check some of these links. I think you will feel better too.